If there was any doubt in your mind that this season would be the sleepiest season ever, I submit to you Episode 6. Oh. My. God. Can there be like an earthquake in Croatia, or like Doug and Chris get into a fist fight, or Jef’s hair catches on fire, or something? Anything?
Anyway, this episode starts out with a MAJOR SHOCKING TWIST – Emily delivers the date card instead of the producers. Ryan sees this as a perfect opportunity to put his arm around Emily on the couch. Playa please.
Travis gets the first date card, and they wander around Croatia shopping and line dancing, and also trying to stand on a little rock on a wall to find true love.
I’m calling bulls*** on this one. Remember how we all found out via RealitySteve.com that the love clock wasn’t real? Do we not have any budget this season for some helicopter rides or hot tubs?
Producer: “Ok team, change of plans. We need to scour the streets of Croatia this week and see if we can find any free activities for this weeks’ dates. We spent our whole production budget on the last minute trophy dress.”
Also, did anyone else get some gay vibes from Travis?
Travis and Emily share a “romantic” dinner together and he opens up about his former engagement. Of course Emily comes out swinging with the “what do you think you did wrong” questions. CHILL OUT girl.
Travis wants to know if he can have a bite of his salad… Emily tells him to dig in, but she will not be eating this evening in preparation for the upcoming fantasy suite dates.
I actually felt pretty bad for Travis when he got sent home until he pulled the ol’ throwing the umbrella into the rain move…
This would have been way more dramatic if it wouldn’t have been raining and he could have thrown the umbrella into a bonfire… but then I guess he wouldn’t have had an umbrella. Touché, producers.
Next up the guys go on a group date to watch the latest Pixar release. Nothing like trying trying to get some back-row-of-the-theater action when you’re watching a freaking kids movie.
Doug has to make a point to mention that this would be a great movie to bring the little guy to. Barf.
Side note: I’d like to mention that Chris is growing on me a bit, and I actually thought he was looking a little hot last night.
After the movie screening, it’s time for the guys to be brave and put on some kilts. This is when it gets awkward…
How many of you girls were at home whistling and yelling, “Take it off! Let’s see those boxer briefs!” That’s right. NO ONE. This is what happens when you leave a man in charge of editing a racy scene in a women’s show.
I can’t remember the name of the stupid competition, so I’m just going to call it the Stupid Games for the remainder of this post.
First of all, I take back everything I just said about Chris…
Get it, girl. What about Arie throwing the log?
I don’t exactly find this “hot” either. I was lol’ing though when someone yelled “A for Effort!” after Chris tried to throw the log. Poor Chris…
And Chris, what were you thinking challenging Doug to a tug of war stupid game?
I was hoping there would be some all out brawl at the end, but Chris just awkwardly stood up and said “he got me.” Will someone just give Chris the damn bravery cup already?
“True bravery is when you aren’t afraid to try, fail, and look like a complete idiot.” – said no one, ever.
After the Stupid Games, Arie gets some alone time and throws Emily up against a wall to passionately press his fish lips against her face…
On Jef’s 1-on-1 time, he tells her a little secret…
“I’m freaking crazy about you.”
BLAHH! Ugh! Gross! Vomit! AHHHHH… this season is SO LAME. Arie is waaaay to horny, Jef is turning cheesy with his “you give me the type of feeling that people write novels about” lines, Sean is like a big dumb D1 football player who doesn’t say anything… do you see why I’m starting to like Chris now?
Emily and I are on the same page… Chris gets the bravery award AND the rose.
Back at the resort, Ryan is getting pumped up for his date by plucking his knuckle hairs and shaving his beard (he is a perfectionist, after all).
He’s looking forward to opening Emily’s oyster later and seeing her pearl. Arie is impressed.
Ryan is driving like 5 mph because he’s not really used to driving such small cars. He usually drives much larger off-roading type vehicles to make up for his insecurities.
He and Emily get to go fishing on an oyster boat (as a major foodie, this is like my dream). Emily spits out the freshest oyster ever because she’s classy like that.
Next they walk around town talking to random locals, and all Ryan can think about is that ”this may be the woman god has chosen for me.”
I’m pretty sure if it were up to God, you would have fallen off the oyster boat and would still be lost at sea.
At their dinner date, Emily arrives in a trophy-like dress which looks a bit more like cheap Christmas wrapping paper (hey, the producers had to round up something on short notice).
Ryan pulls out a list of qualities that his trophy wife (like seriously, enough with the trophy wife) would possess…
I couldn’t write down the long list of qualities quickly enough, so I might have missed a few, but here’s what I heard…
- loyal, stands by my side good or bad
- logical, not overly emotional
- ? I don’t think he said a #3.
- encourager, always lifting up
- faithful
- nurturer
- confident
- magnetic, someone people are drawn to
- loves to laugh
- servant (like bringing beers to him on the couch?)
- beautiful, sexy personality
- ? i think i got off track somewhere
WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
Emily lets him down easy and reminds him that while he is not the guy for her, he is “so funny, and great looking… and God knows you’re a great kisser.”
His response was the best…
“That is very shocking.”
I could watch that clip over, and over, and over…He goes home in his turquoise shoes.
Ryan is mostly concerned that the guys back at the house will also be very shocked that he is going home.
And he is also very concerned that the producers will give him a bad edit and make him look like an “arrogant ass.”
Naw…
Arie knows that this has been a very tough night for Emily having to send Ryan home and all, so he sneaks over to her oddly shabby apartment and makes out with her in bed.
She has the nerve to give him the rose that was supposed to go to Ryan. Ryan is likely at home right now saying “that is also very shocking.”
At the cocktail party, John Wolf (who?) is concerned that he’s on the chopping block, so he throws a Hail Mary pass and pulls out some funeral cards he bought at the local Croatian flea market, crumbles them up, and shoves them in his wallet. It works.
Doug is also concerned he might be going home, so he decides to make a move and put his arm around Emily.
Oh..yeah, there you go- wait, here.. here? Ok, yes.. yep, got it… ok.
Now that Doug has shown his Rico Suave side, and Wolfy has shown his heart, Emily has an impossible decision to make and she asks Chris for a 2nd rose.
Impeccable timing, Chris. As he always says, there are no rules on The Bachelor, and this is all real. Right.
More next week! Happy watching!
