In this week’s episode, we started off with a reminder of how great of a mommy Emily is.
Don’t get me wrong.. we love Little Ricki, but I think I’d rather see Emily rolling around in the sand with Arie or something. What happened to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition type episodes? This season needs some scandal, pronto.
Anyway, Emily reminds us that this whole journey is only a means to an end, and what she’s really looking forward to is coming back to Bermuda with a baby in a stroller and preggers with round 2.
I hope at the very least the 2 babies are from different fathers…Seriously, I’m dying for something juicy.
The guys ride up to their new mansion on a bunch of mopeds like a scene from Dumb and Dumber.
So Doug gets the first 1-on-1 date, and of course he’s keeping his cool about it because, don’t forget, he is a mature 33 year old after all.
This guy is getting on my nerves. Count on the producers to give Arie a great edit here…
“Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug sad.”
Anyway, Emily doesn’t care that Doug is annoying as s*** because he is “so nice, and so good looking.” Has she learned a single thing from this journey? She feels like she could see them doing this on a daily basis – you know, because married couples travel to Bermuda with 13 other dudes all the time.
Just when we think Doug couldn’t be any more perfect, he pulls out the charity card. I did a little digging, and it turns out that Doug actually does have a charity (or at least a real looking charity website). Guys like this don’t impress me. Frankly, I think Harvey Levin of TMZ is hotter than this guy – at least he’s doing some real social good.
Emily isn’t falling for this Mr. Perfect act either.
She calls him out on it, and lets him know everyone has flaws. Heck, she even wears her PJs around the house sometimes. There are even days when she doesn’t
eat workout, too.
This might be my favorite quote from the episode…. Doug says, “I’m not a genius, but I’m not dumb. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just a guy.”
Doug not genius. Doug not wealthy. Doug just guy.
Enough with this lame date, let’s go to some hot dudes in NAUTICAL OUTFITS!!
Producers: Guys, today you’ll need your nautical casual outfits… yeah, nautical casual. We leave in 10.
Kalon is “certainly excited to hit the high seas with Emily…” This is his element after all…. luxury yachting.
None of these guys (except Kalon, the avid fill-in-the-blank-luxurious-activity-person) have ever been on a yacht, but Sean’s feeling confident.
“I played D1 college football. I know what it’s like to be serious.”
I don’t know what D1 college football and yachting have in common, except both being douchey.
Anyway, there’s some lame race, and Jef rips his finger off, and then the red team goes home crying.
Ryan makes a toast to his future trophy wife…
Arie and Emily awkwardly fight over the blanket…
And Jef’s hair is doing… that.
Kalon still has that butt chin…
And then Ryan goes into what is, quite possibly, the best speech we have ever heard on this show.
“To whom much is given, much is required. I feel like you’ve been given an amazing opportunity. I know that you are different – I don’t feel like you’re just any Bachelorette. Coming into this, I was praying not only for myself, but I was praying for you that you would use this opportunity to really impact tons and tons of people. There’s going to be tons of young ladies that are going to watch you, and see how you respond to men, and how you treat them, and how you treat yourself, and how you hold yourself to a high standard…and we had to sit there and watch you and Arie kissing. And I had a little bit of a hard time with that.”
Record scratch. Woah, woah, woah…. WHAT is he even talking about? First of all, I love how Ryan is sprinkling in Bible verses to lead up to his grandiose point of how he’s upset that Emily and Arie were kissing. Second of all, I don’t think any of these young ladies are watching The Bachelorette to learn how a lady should treat men. Where are our 50 Shades of Grey sex scenes??!??!
Whatever, Jef gets the rose anyway.
Next up Nick and Wolfy get to go on a super awkward 2-on-1.
But back at the house, things are heating up between Doug and Chris.
Doug: “Blah, blah, blah.. I’m 33 and I’m so mature.”
Chris: “Can you put a damn v-neck under your sweatshirt for God’s sake?”
Ok, back to the 2-on-1… Things are going really great and everyone’s having a blast.
Nick gets sent home because he thinks he’s eating kwinowa. IT’S PRONOUNCED “KEEN-WAH” PEOPLE.
Ok, flash forward to the cocktail party. I love Jef just as much as the next gal, but I’m sorry – even if you have a rose, that does not give you an excuse to come to the rose ceremony dressed as Martin Short circa “Clifford.”
Ryan pulls out one last sweet talk session to secure his rose and tells Emily, “Just because you’re the center of attention doesnt automatically make you worthy.” This guy’s been reading “The Game” too much.
the producers tell him to he decides to chat with Michael in front of the fire where he tells him that he feels like he’s called to something higher… like The Bachelor Season 17.
And then finally – FINALLY – Chris steps it up and calls Doug out on his B.S. He “steals him away” and says…
Chris: I don’t believe you.
Doug: Believe what?
Chris: I just don’t believe you in general.
YESSSSSSSSS. Chris just won my favorite effing Bachelor contestant ever award, and he sealed the deal with this line…
“I’m talking to you like a grown ass man.”
Chris, you may look a little creepy from some angles, and you could definitely pass as the Geico gekko, but either way, we salute you.
I sort of fell asleep during the rose ceremony but I do know that all of the idiots I hate got roses, and Michael went home crying.
Can’t wait for tonight’s episode to see more of America’s sweetheart and dearest mommy, Emily!