Episode 4 begins in the Bachelor Mansion, with all men wearing their typical morning attire of blue and gray sweats on the sunken living room couches– except for Ryan, who of course is fully dressed, caffeinated, and perched with anticipation.
Chris Harrison enters the living room to say the exact same 5 sentences that he has said for the past 21 seasons of this show: “Fellas, Good Morning. 3 dates: Two 1-on-1 date and one group date. Roses up for grabs on all the dates. As for who’s going, you’ll find out more as the date cards arrive….”
And then he ends with a curveball, telling the guys that their time in Villa de la Vina has come to a close – they need to get out now so that the cleaning crews can flip and sterilize this place for Bachelor Pad 2.
So why not? We’re going to Thailand.
After countless seasons in Europe and last season in Africa, I think ABC is running out of options. Plus, I’m sure the Thailand department of tourism was totally on board with this. (Side note: did anyone catch the foreshadowing of the Asian living room décor??)
IMMEDIATELY upon the destination announcement, all guys jump up in a masculine display of excitement complete with grabbing, punching, and chest bumping like some sort of backyard frat bash.
It was getting so violent that all I could get were blurry screenshots:
So onto Thailand. We arrive in Thailand to find Ashley wandering around the Phuket beaches alone, wearing a see-through wife beater and some children’s shorts. I hate to say it, but ABC IS succeeding in keeping our eyes off of her face. She is reminiscing about – what else? Bentley.
“I think it’s obvious that I’m really affected by Bentley leaving. So as much as I’m trying to put my best food forward, I think the other guys probably feel neglected, like they don’t matter, and if I were in their shoes I’d be upset.”
It’s obvious that Ashley needs some time away to realize that she has 12 dudes here that actually like her, and don’t talk like they’re stoned. I mean, I know “Bachelor time” feel like years, but you seriously only knew him for a week and half, Ashley. How was he “the one”?
Because she has somehow forgotten that the producers have planned every minute, rose, drink, kiss, date, and outfit for her for the next 6 weeks, Ashley wanders up to the hotel “navigator”, Annie, to get some advice about what to do when you’re bored in Thailand. Annie is probably appalled at Ashley’s inappropriate spring break attire but politely declines from commenting.
Meanwhile, the guys arrive in Thailand. We catch some of their travels via the flipcams that the producers gave them. In the background, we hear Asian music, flutes, and tribal drums.
ABC even threw one of their classic cartoon maps in there – I seriously love these things.
Once they arrive and check in, the men stretch shoulder to shoulder across the resort balcony, stick out their chests, and survey their new bachelor pad together in a ceremonial gesture.
The Bens are looking good. Constantine is not. Ames is bored because he’s been here 5 times and knows everything. Ryan is twitching. Lucas actually says something.
And with that, we enter into one of the most boring one-on-one dates in Bachelor history:
Date #1, Constantine: Let’s Sea Phuket Together.”
There are so many things I’m wondering about this less-attractive Josh Groban look-a-like. Why Is he still on the show? What is with that name? WHY is he wearing bright orange shorts and 90’s Adidas slides?!?!
And WHERE is Nick’s 1-on-1 date?!?
Constantine meets Ashley down on the docks, where she explains that their date will be on a private island and they will get there via a tiny boat in a category 4 hurricane and it was be TOTALLY FUN!!!!
Constantine, being the big immature ogre that he is, replies: “Are you kidding me right now?! Let’s DO this! Hell yeah!”
A small native fisherman approaches and breaks the news to them that this will not, in fact, be happening today. ABC has bribed Mother Nature to crash Ashley’s party once again, this time, with torrential rain and “big wave.” The best part about this is that the guy speaks absolutely no English, which is no problem for Ashley because she’s fluent in hand gestures.
So instead of the island, we’re taken to a local marketplace for the day to shop and booze it up.
Ashley tells us that there’s “definite chemistry” between her and Constantine and they talk a lot about love being not just about winning. Did we forget that we’re on a competitive reality show where the POINT is to win the girl? Those roses are like touchdowns to these guys, it’s definitely about winning.
Back @ the resort, we catch a glimpse of JP, Ben F, and Blake giggling like 12 year old girls at a slumber party over who has and has not kissed Ashley.
They also prank call Chris Harrison and Navigator Annie.
Unfortunately, we’re taken back to the nighttime portion of the Ashley and Constantine’s date, which is just as boring as the daytime portion.
I did like how Ashley’s beach dress perfectly matched the Pier 1 magenta-and-tangerine beach cabana, and Constantine came forward with some pretty thoughtful comments to make Ashley feel better. I started to think that maybe these two would be good together – he seems like a sweet guy, and more realistic than some of the flawless types (i.e. Mickey) back @ the resort.
Long story short, Constantine got a rose, Ashley leaped onto his Goliath body, and they frocklicked in the ocean waves together, Ashley shrieking.
Date #2, Group Date: “Let’s Make the World a Better Place.”
Ben F, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C, Nic, Lucas, William, and Ryan
Today the group will be visiting a local orphanage to clean and fix the place up for the kids that live there. Not only a great thing to do, but also smart – guys doing manual labor for charity is hot. Aaaaaand it’s raining, again. I love it.
Immediately all of the guys praise Ashley for her generous choice of activities for today, but we all know that she doesn’t make any decisions on this journey. That’s up to Mark Fleiss. We also find out quickly that the guys are starting to hate Ryan, as he takes charge and bosses everyone around all day, yelling random annoying things like “Peace and Productivity” and looking around frantically for more people to micromanage. For a minute it was like an episode of The Apprentice and the project tension was great.
Meanwhile, Ben F is still being awesome and hipster, painting a mural in a stocking hat in another room.
+5 points for Ben F.
And then the kids arrived to see their new digs and it was really cute:
Later that night, Ashley hosts a pool party for all the dudes but unfortunately we don’t get any good hot tub or pool scenes out of it. We have to find out from DELETED SCENES that Nick’s body is unreal. WTF ABC – what part of the ACTUAL footage was interesting?
Ben F finally gets a good makeout sesh in with Ashley, only to ruin it with his now-infamous “Ruh Roh” line. Ryan continues to be annoying and calls Ashley “freakin’ rad.” Cool, Ryan.
Ashley is wearing some sort of see-through fishing net over a purple bikini, and it’s falling off all over the place.
So finally, in an act of pure masculinity, JP show all the other guys how it’s done by stealing Ashley, taking her out to the beach in the rain, making out with her, and then carrying her, dripping, back to the party. The other guys are shocked and silenced with shame.
Ashley also says she loves his bald head. I think every woman in America loves his bald head by this point.
Back at the party, Ashley is ready to give out the date rose, but WAIT. Ryan wants to talk to her again. And here was my favorite moment of the episode. Are you ready?
The interruption, the awkwardness, the death glares, were all to just SAY…………basically nothing:
“Just wanted to………..you know……just say that uh, I just, uh, look forward to having more conversations with you. That’s all. Yeah. Looking forward to uh, seeing you soon.”
AS IN: 5 seconds later back @ the party?! LOLOLOL.
And then Lucas calls him a Goober. The man that doesn’t speak WOULD come up with that gem.
Date #3, Ames: “It’s More Romantic in the Rain”
Ok so first off, before we get to the date, I have to say this: Ames totally looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Does anyone else see this?
Had to get that off my chest. More on season lookalikes soon….
Ok so Ames and Ashley are going to be kayaking through some amazing looking caves today.
Ames literally prances barefoot down the boardwalk in his white shorts to meet Ashley, and they are wearing complimentary blue shirts.
Ames uses the initial boat ride to let Ashley know that he’s been to Thailand before, twice. And 69 other countries. He’s taken more classes, has more degrees, and knows more languages than she’ll ever be familiar with, all by the age of 31. I can’t tell if he’s funny or cocky. TBD….
So then they jump in a kayak and row through some amazing looking caves, and Ames throws a metaphor out there : “navigating these caves is exactly like navigating a relationship.” Which Ivy League degree was in prose?
So then they settle down for some gossip and ice cream and I realize that Ames is really just her gay BFF, only funny and with a hot bod. There is no chemistry at all between the 2 of them.
So then they move onto dinner, and again things don’t really progress romantically. Overall, there’s a lot of thought-provoking Q&A, some big words out of Ames, giggling, and Ashley’s comments on their twinsie outfits. This may be the most boring episode of The Bachelor(ette) ever.
My favorite moment of the dinner is when Ashley compares herself to Ames – intellectually. I wonder if he was offended that she was basically insinuating that her dental assistant’s certificate is equal to his 3 Ivy League degrees?
In the end, Ames gets a rose, but Ashley doesn’t kiss him. (Sidenote: you might want to wonder if something’s up if Ashley hasn’t kissed you – she’s generous with those.)
So the post-ceremony cocktail party was pretty uneventful, except for a couple of small side conversations:
- West tries to convince Ashley that yes, she can fill the shoes of his deceased wife
- Lucas is divorced and wants to get back in the game again
- Blake tells Ryan that everyone hates him and Ryan has some thoughts on it:
“It’s ridiculous, it’s preposterous. I mean ok, what? You can’t hang with the fact that I’m freakin’ happy a lot? What? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not grumpy. My bad. I guess I should just be grumpy. It has been raining a lot – maybe I should be grumpy? But sorry. I’m in Phuket, Thailand. It’s kind of nice.”
At that point Chris Harrison finally saves the day and enters the room, just off of his long flight from LA , without a trace of jet lag. He looks stunning in his fitted gray suit and skinny red tie as he advises Ashley and makes a few announcements to his “fellas”.
Ashley decides to *break the rules* and add 1 rose back in – giving her 11 choices. Of course, Chris agrees, because there are no rules in this twisted game of love.
Rose Ceremony Begins
Roses go to:
- Lucas: why?
- Ryan: can’t eliminate now, too much drama
- JP: Obviously. Hot. Bald.
- Nick: Under recognized, one of my favs this entire season. More shirtless scenes please!
- Mickey: He’s got a free pass to the final 4, too good to be true
- Blake: Annoying, paranoid
- William: Hasn’t said a word since the roast
…………………and the final rose………………………
- Ben C
West goes home. Really Ashley? Save the final 2 for the guy you just expressed concern about, and the hot, funny, successful guy we already know you like? Not suspenseful at all.
A better outcome would have been for Ashley to send WILLIAM home, after dragging him all the way to Thailand, forcing him to do manual labor, and ignoring him all week for punishment. That would’ve been fantastic.
So next week we find out 2 things: we’ll get to see more of Thailand, and Chris Harrison personally invites Bentley back to crash the show and confuse Ashley even more. Can’t wait.
Did we really think we could get rid of him that fast?
Tell us: are you excited to see Bentley back?