Accept This Rose

Last night’s episode was filled with more men’s nipples than I have ever seen in my entire life.

I mean, am I the only girl in the world who isn’t turned on by dudes’ nipples? I don’t need a guy with a big chest. A not-that-hairy one with no manboobs is sufficient for me.

Ryan get’s the first date card, but Emily has some hesitations about him…

“I don’t know that much about Ryan yet. He seems like a very nice gentleman, but he makes me a little bit nervous just cuz he’s so good looking. I mean the last guy I really dated was Brad, and he was crazy good looking, and we all know how that turned out so…”

Actually, I’m still not really clear on how that turned out. I always thought that Brad seemed like a great fit for her and her lifestyle, obviously loved her very much, and was willing to take on the responsibility of being a father for Ricki – yet she dumped him and Brad now apparently thinks he dodged a bullet. She’s right – she should go for an ugly dude so he won’t bail when she starts acting super demanding.

Also, Brad: crazy good looking? I’d say a 7 at best.

Anyway, Ryan being the good sport that he is tells us, “to be very honest, I’m open to do whatever, anytime.”

Heh.

Five bags of heavy groceries and a floral apron later, he changes his tune.

“I’m willing to do most anything for Emily.”

But to make up for his manual labor, Emily lets Ryan sit in the car from a distance and watch her drop off the cookies at soccer practice.

Best. Date. Ever.

Seriously though, is she just trying to scare off every single guy? If I have to hear her say “this is what you’re signing up for” one more time, I’m going to lose it. These guys are not signing up to be Ricki’s daddy, they are signing up to have sex in the fantasy suite with the “hottest Bachelorette ever”, and then bounce post final rose ceremony.

Exhibit A:

Emily is unsure if the feelings are mutual between them. Ryan responds with some weird statement about how “it’s all out here — in my head too and around us.”

If that doesn’t scream “I don’t know what else to say because I’m not really into you, but I’m hoping we can make out anyway,” I don’t know what does.

Enough of this mom stuff, now on to the romantic dinner portion of the date.

They barely get a sip of wine down and Emily already busts out the “I have some questions” line. There were some animal analogies tossed around and I got really confused, but I think the jist of it was that Emily wants a guy who will just do whatever she says at a moment’s notice, because that’s what they’re signing up for.

The night ends with a cheesy pickup line about how Ryan has never been in the presence of someone so beautiful… And Emily does a follow-up interview in her Cheesecake Factory employee uniform.

Next up on the group date, Stevie shows up in a dumbass looking “performance outfit.”

This is when the show just gets too stupid for even me to watch.

Look, I love the Muppets just as much as the next guy, but this season is like family-friendly b.s. or something. Where are my steamy hot tub scenes?? Why aren’t there any drunken fist fights going on back at the mansion? This season is lame.

Charlie is all nervous because he fell off a roof and hit his funny bone.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess he wasn’t funny before the accident.

Believe it or not, the standup comedy acts fell flat again this season. These guys must have fallen off a skyscraper… (too soon?)

Stevie takes this challenge really seriously and thinks he’s actually auditioning for a role in The Muppets Musical…

And then Jef proposes to Miss Piggy in a super romantic and sincere fashion.

I love you Jef, even if you spell your name in a kind of douchebaggy way.

After the show, Creepy Chris flashes Emily some reallllllly weird glances…

But Emily is apparently into it and tells him that “one of the things I like about you is that… you’re sooo good looking.”

For someone who has learned from her past mistakes, she seems to really be into the hot guys.

Despite Emily’s best effort to create awkwardness, she and Jef have a totally normal conversation. More bonus points for our favorite entrepreneur!

Stevie talks smack on Kalon, and Kalon comes back with the quote of the night…

“I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, but fortunately, I’m me.”

I know everyone thinks this guy is a tool because he dresses all Ivy league and talks out of the side of his mouth, but I actually think he’s hilarious. Think about it – if Erica Rose would have said his line of the night, people would think it’s hilarious. I can think of at least one other guy who is a bigger douchebag than Kalon this season…

Starting with Doug. Ok, America loves him because he has a kid, but I think Kalon actually got a bad edit on the whole “you took a break from being a dad” comment. We don’t know the context of the situation, but after going back and listening to it a few more times, it actually sounds like he was trying to pay Doug a compliment. I could be wrong, but Doug wouldn’t even let him finish. And let’s not forget that the reason this conversation even came up was because Doug was lecturing everyone about how they need to really think about being ready to be a father. Ok dude, just because you had a kid when you were 20 and gave up your dreams and all of your other sob stories doesn’t mean that you’re any more prepared to be a father to Little Ricki. It just means that you’re arrogant and bitter that you gave up all your dreams. And for that, I give you the biggest douchebag award of the night.

Sorry, tangent. Anyway, Jef gets the rose and he looks super stoked about it. I’m starting to think he’s just not that into her.

Ok, final date goes to Joe, who Emily thinks looks like Matthew McConnahoweveryouspellit.

A really greasy lookalike.

Anyway, they go on a trip to West Virginia where Emily’s “heart is.” I feel like this is the first I’m hearing of this West Virginia girl nonsense. All I ever hear her talking about is how great Charlotte is – am I right?

They go to some hotel called The Greenbriar and swim in the pool and then get dressed up all fancy for dinner. Emily starts in with the hardcore questions again about where Joe sees himself in 5 years, and he responds he wants to be happy.

I thought that was a really distasteful loaded question for her to ask if she wasn’t going to take his answer at face value. It’s like when future employers ask you where you see yourself in five years – everyone knows you’re supposed to say “I see myself moving up into a management role here within this company” or whatever, but you feel like a douche saying it because really you’re just thinking “I just need a job man, I’ll worry about 5 years from now later.” HE WANTS TO BE HAPPY. If he says he sees himself with Emily having 18 children, that would have been creepy, so he keeps it vague. How is he supposed to know if there will be anything between them? He just met her 15 minutes ago. He realizes she isn’t pleased, so he steps it up a notch with the love clock and writes a note about visiting this place again with her family.

Which obviously backfired because he was sent home immediately and missed the fireworks show.

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Emily says. But he just didn’t do anything right.

Back at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Aaron is looking like a super hot hipster version of Hugh Grant.

He gets sent home because he’s not rich enough.

And Tony has to sit and listen to a SEVEN PAGE LETTER from the producers Ryan to Emily.

This Jon Wolf guy we’ve never heard of also hates Kalon and says “if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude, you’re an a**hole.”

I’ve decided that from this point forward, no matter what happens, I am Team Kalon because I think he will end up being hilarious and misunderstood a la Michelle Money.

One last thing: did anyone notice Emily was whispering the whole rose ceremony? “Alessandro, will you please accept this rose?”

GAG.