Accept This Rose

Last night’s episode started out with an obligatory Bachelorette jogging scene where Ashley confesses that she actually loved Brad and wants to have “her time” now and do this season “without regrets.”

I have to admit, she looks pretty good. Her hair is much longer, she’s in great shape, and her makeup is professionally applied. Good work. She’s obviously been toning her abs so she can pull of this midriff shot.

I feel kinda bad for hating on her last season because this season they seem to be editing her to seem much more likable and cute.

Wait, what am I saying??? Let’s get to the cynicism…

Ryan P., the Solar Exec, also likes to go running.

I can appreciate Ryan because it does seem like he has a good business going, I respect the fact that he’s into alternative sources of energy, and he is pretty cute (albeit, not my type). But REALLY Ryan? The heart hands?

I mean, that might go into my Top 10 Most Ridiculous Moments on this show EVER.

Then there’s J.P., the Construction Guy. Obligatory hard hat scene:

Girls love men in hard hats.

Then Ames – I don’t remember anything about him except for his ridiculous Ivy League resume. Oh, and his hair system. Those are plugs, right?

Ben C. was cuter than I expected. I like him the best so far. Although he’s a little too hopeless romantic-y for me, I think he’s smart, passionate, and not afraid to be himself. Plus, he plays the piano.

More on him later.

Ben F., the winemaker, is not cute, in my opinion, but the fact that he’s a winemaker could go a long way. Look at him in action – touching the barrels to make sure they’re stable. I’m no winemaker, but I’m fairly confident once it’s in the barrel, walking through the cellar and patting the barrel doesn’t do jack s#&*.

Even I agree Bentley is a douche. As much as I love watching people get their hearts broken, I felt really sad for Ash when he said he didn’t give a crap about her. That’s not even funny, that’s just heartless.

West goes for a run and explains why his wife drowned in the bathtub – the in-laws never mentioned her history of seizures.

And then there’s William – he’s works at a mall kiosk, but that aside, he was pretty hilarious in this awkward umbrella scene.

Now that we’ve had a sneak peek at some of the guys, Chris Harrison decides to pull Ashley aside and talk to her about any fears or anxiety she may be having about this process. Ashley can’t help but wonder if the guys will be disappointed she’s The Bachelorette. She’s even concerned that one of the guys might not be there for “the right reasons.” Apparently a former contestant and friend of Ashley’s has informed her that Bentley might be on the show to promote his business.

Chris Harrison is startled.

Apparently ABC didn’t brief him on this or on the names of any of the candidates because he says, “his name’s what?” Bentley. Don’t act surprised.

Now the guys are arriving. Ryan P. is the first one out, and Ashley gets all giggly. He says he’s excited to get to know the “real” Ashley. On a TV show…

Then Jon shows up and picks Ashley up. I would have paid a lot of money to see a boob pop out at that point. What guy thinks a girl finds this romantic?

Mickey tries to go in for a kiss – totally rejected.

This is getting painful to watch.

Ahhh, Ben C. is here, and he’s been listening to Rosetta Stone in the limo. Although I would normally find this overwhelmingly cheesy, I thought the French scheme was adorable. What girl wouldn’t want a boy to tell her she’s beautiful in French?

West gives Ashley a broken compass stuck on “West” so she can always find her way back to him. Ashley thinks this is totally clever and doesn’t suspect that he ordered 500 broken compasses in bulk and uses this line all the time.

ANTHONY THE BUTCHER IS HERE. This guy is my favorite. First of all, I love red meat. Second of all, this guy is so over the top cheeseball, it’s actually pretty hilarious. His left side was always his best side.

Matt teaches Ashley some crazy handshake. Tip for dudes: girls don’t like doing stupid frat house handshakes.

And then Jeff the “entrepreneur” (aka unemployed) arrives with a mask on so he can take his face out of the game. Hey Jeff, we can still see most of your face.

I can think of about a dozen masks that would’ve been a much better choice.

Ben F. the winemaker brought a bottle of wine to toast with – totally classy move in my book. Plus he’s funny, er OCD – he brushed his teeth at least 8 times today.

Frank does the bonafide douche wink.

And Ryan M.’s just here to take a few pics with Ashley and meet Chris Harrison.

By the way, WHO KNEW Ashley would actually like the name “Constantine”? My Fantasy Picks are effed.

Inside the house, Ryan P. is the first to steal Ashley away, and he seems like a good guy.

My personal favorite character so far is one of the contestant’s mom – Gail. She advises that Ashley uses protection in the fantasy suite. If Dr. Greene is unavailable this season, I think Gail would be a good replacement.

Michael pulled my favorite move of the night. He lures Ashley outside to “play her a song” on the guitar and then confesses he doesn’t play the guitar at all and ditches it in the pool.

Meanwhile, back in the house, Tim is getting wasted, and he builds a pillow fort between himself and Jeff “The Mask.”

Jeff “The Mask”: So where are you from?

Tim “The Drunk”: I’m from the land where, uh… is this for real?

Ben C. is back with some big signs in a window. I still think he’s cute and not one bit creepy.

Tim, the Wine & Spurs salesman, gets totally s***faced and is startled by Ashley coming to talk to him.

She leaves him to drink some water, but instead he goes back inside to harass the mask guy some more.

Does anyone else feel like this should be the beginning to a really good joke? “Drunk guy and a guy in a mask walk into a room…”

Frank thinks maybe Tim can’t handle the pressure. He imparts some advice – “if you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven.”

It just goes really downhill from here and the boys have to carry Tim out to a minivan to leave early.

Ryan P gets the first impression rose:

Then at the rose ceremony, Ashley gives a great speech about how excited she is to send some guys home.

She sends home Tim (the drunkard), Anthony (the butcher), Rob (the techy guy), Chris M. (the Canadian), Frank (Aristotle over here), Michael (the guitarist), and Jon (the cryer).

I’ll leave you with the saddest moment of the evening – Anthony the Butcher’s Farewell Speech.

I’m a little pissed off that things ended the way they did. I’ve been single for 7 years. I don’t know how to feel anymore. Who wants to be hurt, ya know? But she’s a pretty girl, she’s a nice girl. I hope one of the guys can make her very happy for the rest of her life. Clearly, I’m not that guy. She may have a handful with some of the guys she picked tonight. But I, you know, if she wants to spend the rest of her life with Batman, hey, what do I know? I’m just a small town butcher from Jersey. And I’m goin’ back.