I think the major themes from this week’s episode were craziness and betrayal – two of my favorite things. Let’s get to it.
We start where we left off at last week’s rose ceremony – Jake’s dramatic exit. Vienna is so grateful that everyone voted for her sake, because we all know how much of an abuser Jake is… Please.
Jake gives a poetic farewell speech where he advises the remaining contestants to “step up and do the right thing” by voting off the power couples.
Kasey sees right through this because he’s the strongest “stratEEgist.” That’s gotta be humiliating – no one is ever going to let him live that one down. But he doesn’t care because “the Devil’s gone.”
Just when I’m about to blog that I feel really sorry for Jake and he should be the Bachelor again, he does this Tom Cruise-esque cackle in the limo ride home. Creeeepy.
I still want him to be The Bachelor again.
Now, on to the next competition. It’s time for the annual kissing contest! No one ever wants to participate, but we all know they secretly do. Who wouldn’t love the title of the best kisser in the house?
William wouldn’t. That’s who. Why didn’t he just pull himself out of the competition?
I mean, that is the most pathetic attempt at a kiss I’ve EVER seen. Yet Stag isn’t thrilled by any of this, especially when Blake gets his moment with Holly.
My favorite moment of the kissing contest is when the guys had to kiss Vienna. I love how they act like they don’t want to kiss her because they’re being respectful to Kasey. Here’s Will going in for the kill again…
So hot. Now it’s the guys’ turn to be kissed. Ella REALLY wants the money. She’s got a strategy that works every time – a little bit of pressure, a little bit of tongue. Magic.
Oh wait – my actual favorite part of the kissing contest is when Erica is kissing Kirk. He notes that it was pretty sloppy and her boobs were touching him. Ella may have an interesting kissing technique, but Erica has got the boob touch down.
Wait, wait, wait… my ACTUAL favorite part of this contest is when none of the girls want to kiss Kasey because he apparently has terrible breath. I can’t tell if Vienna is hiding her face because she doesn’t want to see other girls making out with her boyfriend, or because she’s crying as she hears the other girls gag.
Okay, no, this is definitely my favorite part. Holly gets her way with Blake, and this is where the betrayal begins.
Poor Mikey. So the winners of the kissing contest are, surprise, surprise, Ella and Blake.
Ella takes Kirk on on a really boring date to the house where the Bachelor and Bachelorette stay and they take a hot air balloon ride about 10 feet off the ground. They try to one up each other with their sob stories about breathing in mold and watching moms get shot.
Erica’s no dummy – she knows Blake has the power to save her this week, so she swoops in fast with a boob massage to “destress” him. She tells him if he brings her on the date, she would do whatever he wanted. So hot, Erica.
Blake doesn’t take the bait, but he’ll certainly take a free massage.
When Blake’s date card arrives, Melissa can’t wait to hear her name, since they’re partners and have each others’ backs and all. The card say something about a slippery slope, and Melissa blurts out “We could be going… yeah..” Dear God, this is painful to watch.
Of course he invites Holly, and this is where the theme of craziness begins. You know when you hear the words “that’s f***** up” coming out of Melissa’s mouth, we’re about to be in for a real treat.
Melissa storms off to the bathroom and Michelle tries to console her, but she just can’t even believe this is happening. I mean, Melissa even told Blake that she was so glad he was carrying her and that she was going on a date!
My favorite quote from Michelle this season has to be “Melissa wears her emotions on her panties”. It needs no explanation – she’s absolutely correct.
When Melissa finally comes to her senses and leaves the bathroom, she calls Holly a “slutty a** b****” and tells Blake he’s a sociopath.
It’s time to play a little game I like to call “Who here is a sociopath?” Today’s person of interest is Blake!
Here’s how to play – we take a look at a list of 28 characteristics of a sociopath. If our contestant exhibits at least 20 of them, he’s likely a sociopath!
Blake’s score: 18.5 out of 28. Sorry, probably not a sociopath.
I give her credit though, 18.5 out of 28 is on your way to sociopath-dom.
Now that we’ve got that sorted out, can we talk about Melissa’s giant pink shoes? WTF?
And she wonders why Blake won’t drop his electric toothbrush to talk to her. Just 45 more seconds…
She keeps running around the house like a lunatic babbling something about cutting off a dictator’s resources…
The next day, Holly and Blake are having a great time on the slopes.
Mikey’s back at the house having a topless pity party (if you’re going to have a pity party, this is the best kind IMO). And now, a photo exposé.
When Holly and Blake return from their overnight date, Michael can’t get inside the house fast enough. He’s starting to wonder why he agreed to go outside and do that stupid “look sad off into the distance” scene when he should’ve been sitting inside by the door.
Holly admits that she made out with Blake. She says something like, “Weowww.. we kissed.” It’s not like it was her fault – the almost sociopath just needed to “re-examine the evidence.”
It’s almost time for voting, so Kasey makes one last plea to his followers to not send him home. Basically his grandma would die if she doesn’t get this money. Who can say no to Grammy?
Melissa gets wind that she might be on the chopping block, and she gets hysterical.
Graham plays it smart.
Melissa tries to eavesdrop to see who is voting her off…
And in the end, she knows her fate.
Side note: Did anyone else notice Michelle crying in the living room? I couldn’t figure out why, but after hearing her comments later about William being the “salt of the earth” I’m assuming she must have known he was going home and was upset?
She’s right. In the end, poor Prince William gets the boot, and Melissa is out, too.
After William and Melissa leave, all the girls are still wondering about Ella’s kissing technique and they try to test it out. Ella apparently will only do this when money is involved. She REALLY needs that house.
Final thoughts: I want Erica to be my best friend. She is not as dumb as everyone makes her out to be. She’s actually a hilarious genius with giant boobs and fake lips, and who wouldn’t want to be friends with that? I feel like we would laugh so hard all the time and play practical jokes on people. Erica, call me.