Accept This Rose

Episode 3 begins in
Emily’s bedroom, where she’s eating breakfast in bed with her mom and talking
about how hard her life is. Yes, must be hard being The Bachelorette living in
her mansion with a free wardrobe and 25 suitors. And with a built-in babysitter
included.

I’m starting to notice
that we spend a lot of time in Emily’s bedroom or bathroom, during which her
mom usually comes out of nowhere for her scheduled 5 minutes of fame. Ricki,
however, pulled an admirable diva move and refused to come within 15 feet of
the ABC cameras.

Date #1: Chris

To the mansion — the
first date card has arrived! And the first date this week goes to……………Chris,
who flashes us his usual I’m-going-to-kill-you look in his
interview and I can’t even look at the TV screen.

Emily takes Chris to
the secured “dinner location” which ends up being just a tall building in
downtown Charlotte. She tells him that they will be climbing the wall to get to
dinner tonight. Perfect – we all knew we were due for a Fear Factor date any
episode now.

Because he is weak,
Chris admits that he is terrified of this task but Emily looks super hot in a
harness, so OK he’ll do it.

This makes us wonder
why kind of sick sexual preferences Chris has behind his Tib Tebow image.

So midway up the wall,
someone at ABC decides that the terror factor isn’t high enough on this
challenge and orders in some lightening. Like literally, why did the lighting
start and stop AS they were climbing that wall for 10 minutes? This causes
Emily to panic mid-task and pathetically whimper on cue as she dangled in the
air.

Instead of seizing the
moment to kiss Emily (traditional Bachelor style) to calm her fears – Chris
instead opts for the high-five route because “the timing wasn’t right.” NOT
HOT.

Meanwhile, half of
Charlotte has arrived down below to gawk at this clearly unsafe and foolish
spectacle that is going on:

We made it!

Some wannabe shouts “I
LOVE YOU EMILY” from the crowd below, and this is enough to finally push them
to the top of the wall. When they get there, Chris again acts super awkward for
30 seconds as he decides if it would be too bold to kiss Emily. The usual piped
in dramatic ABC music isn’t even playing — we just get to watch Chris make this
decision in dead silence. High five again.

Suddenly, the storm
that was “just rolling in” has now instantly disappeared and it is ok for the
two of them to eat dinner on top of the building. During dinner, Chris tells
Emily that he recently broke up with his long term girlfirend from high school
and Emily halts her thought process to immediately question how old he is.
Chris tells her that he is 25, and she is horrified. Obviously someone who
graduated high school only 1 year after Emily is not fit to be her husband or
Ricki’s father.

Seriously. These
facial expressions might be a deal breaker for Chris.

(PS: Remember that
“must make $250,000/year qualifier Emily put on her must-have list for each
Bachelor? How has Chris made that much money by 25?)

But regardless,
Chris’s speech about “being a man” wins Emily over in the end and he gets a
rose. Emily tells us he feels SO much older than her…..like, almost Brad Womack
old.

After dinner, Emily
leads Chris to a live country performance (surprise!) by Luke Bryan in the
middle of an empty street in downtown Charlotte. ABC has again pulled in anyone
within a 5 block radius of the stage to make this look like a normal occurrence
in the daily lives of these residents.

The rest of this scene
is like an eighth grade dance: awkward slow dancing, flirty looks, Chris ASKING
Emily if he could kiss her at the end of the song (again, not hot), and
eventually the locals join in the dancing too. Luke Bryan is basically
oblivious to the entire crowd as he envisions his spike in iTunes downloads the
next week.

I did enjoy capturing
several Charlotte residents that were enjoying their 2 minutes of national TV
fame a little too much……..

Date #2 (Group Date)

It’s a new day and
Emily is ready for the group date in some disappearing cut-off shorts and an
oversized tunic with extra boobs.

The guys are excited
as they arrive and see Emily with a football (Ryan’s testosterone meter is
going on high) — but little do the know, they’re in for a day of
who-wants-to-be-Ricki’s-daddy-auditions.

The girls gather
around with spiked drinks and notebooks to evaluate all the men as they
interact with the kids. Alright Emily, we get it, you want a guy who’s willing
to be a dad immediately, but the daddy & kid stuff is going a bit overboard
this season.

Back on the
playground, Doug sees this as the ultimate competition to prove his superior
dad skills, Ryan immediately begins assembling a competitive baseball team with
the most athletic looking kids, Stevie runs around looking like a totally
dangerous creep, and Jef plays by himself on the slide.

I’m not even sure the
girls were watching them.

After a solid game of
little league baseball, Ryan starts to feel attention starved and decides to
wander into the danger zone of women. It is here that he tells Emily in front
of her friends that she’d better not ever get fat and if she did, “I’d still
love you, I just might not love ON you as much.” Good one, Ryan. Your attempt
to show off in front of her friends totally BOMBED.

Later that night…..

Emily takes all the
guys to a private party (sadly, no hot tub included) and something is
immediately up with Tony. Emily finds him crying in an alleyway and knows that
this is too much for him, especially after spending a day with a bunch of kids
that weren’t his.

In what seemed like a
matter of 30 seconds, Tony is being sent home in a cab and Jef is excited about
the fact that there’s one less guy in the competition now.

It’s really too bad
for Tony’s kid Taylor — who was probably living it up @ Grandma’s with
unlimited candy and tv.

During the party Doug
also delivers a pretty somber story about his past, and Emily cries on cue. We
like Doug but he’s a pretty serious, intense guy.

Sean also swoops in
with a ridiculously burnt face and ends up winning the rose for impressing both
Emily AND her friends today. Score.

Date #3: Arie

At last, Emily gets
some one on one time with her front runner, the feminine race car driver from Arizona/Holland.

Poor Arie really
didn’t know what he was in for, as Emily took him to one of the creepiest
places in Americana existence: Dollywood. Wtf is this place, and who goes here?
Sorry, but the place seemed totally creepy and I’m not making it a priority in
any of my future road trips to Tennessee.

Emily went to some
weird, back-hills places as a child.

Arie is a good sport
though, and spends the day walking around looking both amused and confused the
entire time.

Emily suspiciously
lures Arie into a large auditorium during the date, and during their love song
writing session DOLLY PARTON herself magically appears on stage. Is anyone
surprised here?

Emily reacts with the
fakest surprise act ever – and says “I could dahhhh” about 50 times. Arie
quickly comes to his grips and fakes surprise as well, even though he still has
no idea who Dolly Parton is. Dolly ends up singing an obviously thrown-together
song for the two of them and then requests some girl time alone with Emily. We
are all bored and starting to get annoyed with the pattern of cheesy pop-up
performances on this season so far.

Later that night, Arie
and Emily have dinner and Arie broaches the race car driver situation. Emily
tells him she loves the fact he’s a racecar driver….and I was a little
confused. Why wouldn’t she be a little cautious of that?

Emily tries to pull a
joke on Arie but not giving him the rose but that is a total fail — duh. He’s
obviously in no danger of going home. No more jokes Emily, you’re not cut out
for them.

After dinner, Emily
and Arie hang out on the empty carousal ride and make out like middle
schoolers. She tells us that Arie reminded her of Ricky (her ex-fiance) which
is an obvious way of saying, “He’s my favorite.” FRONTRUNNER ALERT.

Rose Ceremony

And finally, rose
ceremony time! Here are some highlights from the cocktail party:

Emily’s boobilicious
gold keyhole dress w/minimal support

Kalon telling Emily to
shut up. “I like it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.” Emily
somehow still calls him a “gentleman” but seems annoyed. No one steals her
thunder. Kalon is also wear luxurious leather driving moccasins with no socks
-wonderful.

Travis & The Egg:
The producers have finally allowed Travis to get rid of the egg they made him
carry around — surprisingly, he doesn’t want to be known as the “Egg Guy”
anymore. To make Shelly’s demise as dramatic as possible, Travis allows Emily
to full-force smash the egg into the mansion patio, leaving an enormous mess
for the crew to clean up. The rest of the guys cheers to the end of Shelley
(lol) and we’re left wondering if this is the same egg Travis promised to care
for just like he would care for Emily and Ricki. Hmmm..

Alessandro the GYPSY:
Admits to Emily’s face that accepting Ricki and ditching his “gypsy lifestyle”
would be a compromise for him. And no, he doesn’t have a language barrier. How
did the FRIENDS no weed out this guy already?? I really wish I would’ve seen
his full interview with them. Emily is so turned off she sends him home
immediately.

Arie’s Moment: Arie
sees this moment as his chance, and steals Emily away to an
almost-hidden-but-not-quite hallway where he bestows compliments and kisses on
her, and reassures her that Ricki is NOT a comprise. The producers point this
out to the other guys so that they can watch with jealously from afar.

Sean’s Moment: Sean
also seizes Emily’s emotional vulnerability and takes her to the fireplace,
where he again delivers his “I would be a good dad because my dad was a good
dad” speech — which Emily loves and wins him a long fireside kiss. Basically,
if you haven’t kissed her yet you’d better do so soon – people are stepping up
their game here.

With Tony and
Alessandro already out, we’re down to only 1 rose loser this time around, and
Stevie gets the ax. I think we’re all glad to see him go – we’ve seen one too
many dance moves and creepy grins out of him.

On to Episode 4 in
BERMUDA!

Ladies and Gentleman, we are back. The Bachelorette premiere has finally arrived, and with ONLY a million dollar contract and entire show relocation behind them, ABC has scored the star they’ve always dreamed of: Emily Maynard.

Single southern hot mom with a sad story behind her – this girl really is the best ABC could hope for, especially coming off their recent D List amateurs Ashley Hebert and Ben Flajnik – the 2 most painful seasons of this show to date. So coming into this season, our hopes are high and we’re ready to see some genuine love on this show.

The first 5 minutes of the episode are pretty much an info dump of everything we know about Emily to date. Even though ABC keeps us updated on Emily’s life every 5 minutes, I’ll quickly recap so we’re all on the same page:

• Emily is a single mom to her daughter Ricki whose father died in a plane accident before she was even born:

• Emily is mysteriously LOADED despite the fact that she doesn’t work and has no income.

Emily’s House:

Check out Ricki’s bedroom!

Neighborhood Shot:

In case you’re wondering though, Emily DID do an interview on this and said that her days are filled with “mom stuff”, errands, photography classes, and eating lunch. Click here for more info.

• Emily and Ricki wear matching outfits every day

• Emily gets lonely every night (because Ricki goes to bed insanely early at 7:30pm) and spends her alone time looking through old photo albums in the dark.

• About a year and a half ago, Emily met Brad Womack on The Bachelor…….

• And ended up getting engaged to him after 8 weeks of non-exclusive dating.

• This ended abruptly after Brad “broke her heart”

• And now, Emily is ready to date again after putting on her “big girl panties” and spending months staring off into nature…..

The million dollar contract didn’t hurt either.

Back to the present, we get our usual “sneak peek” at a handful of the most interesting guys of this season.

Here are some highlights:

• Kalon: In his own words, the “modern, southern gentleman.” Used to be a womanizer, but now changed and vulnerable. (not convinced) His job title is a “Luxury Brand Consultant” which means he’s lying to us and probably works at Sunglasses Hut. WTF. To top it all off, he’s waving some major douchebag flags including Ray Bans, tennis matches with himself, and the name “Kalon.”

• Ryan: Yes please. Just when we had almost lost hope in this show…..Ryan comes along. We’re going to excuse his confusing voluminous hair for that uber-masculine jawline. He’s tall, attractive, southern, an ex-NFL athlete……all Emily-appropriate. Plus, he works with kids and runs with his puppy – bonus points. Definitely a front runner in my books.

• Tony: Semi-depressed lumberjack fitness guru from Oregan. Also single dad #1 on this season. If the kid wasn’t involved, I honestly might have guessed that he was gay.

• Lerone: Ethnic (nice one ABC). Owns a suspiciously tiny dog. Job description includes something involving a lot of finance and a lot of real estate – translation: he makes BANK. Good looking and wants a family ASAP.

• David: Wes reincarnated. Annoying self-centered “singer/songwriter” probably plotting some sort of career move through the show. Has already professed his love to Emily before even meeting her, and wrote a heartfelt song for her on his cheap Casio keyboard:

“Emilyyyyyy, Emilyyyyyy, Emilyyyyy Oh Oh Emileee—eee-eee”

Side note: David’s real music is on YouTube. Click here.

• Charlie: Cute, southern, sensitive. Survived a balcony accident (random? need more details on this.) – and came out of it hyper focused on finding love. He made have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with his heart. Potentially a strong player.

• Jef: Remember Jesse on Deanna’s season? Awkward, sad Jesse that we all thought stood absolutely NO CHANCE with Deahhhhhna? But then won her in the end?

Jef is this season’s Jesse. Yes, a little hard to swallow at first, BUT there’s potential there. He obviously likes hair dryers, skateboarding, and jean jackets a little too much, BUT he’s the CEO of his own company (meaning he’s loaded), and he provides clean drinking water to people who don’t have it (good cause minded). He also shares Emily’s love of staring mindlessly into nature.

Arie: Ok, OBVIOUSLY this guy was hand selected by ABC for this season. Like, literally the producers crashed the closest racetrack in Arizona and said “give us your hottest one.” Leave it to ABC to always take the most insensitive road possible. Beyond the obvious casting reason, Arie IS one of the better looking ones and didn’t pull anything majorly foolish in his introductions, so we’re going to stay optimistic about this one.

He’s also from Holland AND Arizona, wtf does that mean. Look, yes we know it’s sexy to have an international flavor but don’t just arrive on the scene with an American accent and a race car and think we’re going to understand this. Based on Arie’s height alone, we’ll buy the Dutch story but his hometown date BETTER be in Amsterdam. If he gets there. Just saying.

So back to Emily – she arrives at the NEW bachelorette mansion and begins with the customary fireside chat with the one and only Chris Harrison. Careful Emily! He might not be the best source of love advice at the moment……

Emily is also wearing a nude mesh figure skating outfit and 5 pounds of lip gloss. BFFs Ashley and Ali are backstage with oil blotting cloths, Altoids, and more lip gloss – although each is secretly hoping Emily passes out and they can step in for round 2 of shame & fame.

Overall, this segment was super boring and I ended up pouring myself another glass of wine during it, but had to REWIND X5 as soon as Emily got her crazy eyes on and delivered the best quote yet:

 

“…..I want a mini-van full of babies. I want it so bad, I want to be in love, I want BABIES, I’m tired of being engaged. I want to get married. I want babies like, YESTERDAY. The clock is ticking.”

Hello girl – you may look 35, but you’re only 26! Cool it. I just don’t understand the maternal panicking going on in her head. Now that you’re famous, you can wait until you’re 39 and then panic and have twins like all the other celebs out there.

So with that, we’re ready for our parade of limos! I LOVE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS. These are true Bachelor(ette) gold. A full hour of tension you can cut with a knife. I grab my notebook and Emily takes her position at the end of a long, stone-walled hallway. Looks like the Pier 1 designers made the trip out to Charlotte, because with all the candles, fake foliage, and jewel-toned fabric I feel like we haven’t even left LA.

There’s obviously so many guys in night one, so I’ll do my best at summarizing each one’s entrance as briefly as possible. Here goes:

LIMO 1

• Sean: Soft-spoken, cute Texan with an unfortunate douchey strut. Emily seems pleased with option #1.
• David: Our singer/songwriter oozes confidence as he seduces Emily in the front hallway and asks the dumb question “Who chose Charlotte?” – like she didn’t live there already AND he can’t believe there’s life outside of NYC. I will give him props on the gray suit though – classy and original.
• Doug: “Hi, I’m a dad and I left my son at home.” Doug definitely came out of the limo swinging, hoping to bond with Emily over an immediate mention of his child. He also probed about Ricki’s whereabouts which seems a LITTLE invasive right up front. I’m sure Doug spent the last 3 months doing as much internet research on Emily as possible. I think it worked on her though — she warmed up to him immediately and thought he was cute.
• Jackson: Chooses to fill his 30 seconds with Emily with a quote he pulled off of a Hallmark card – “life’s not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.” — all down on one knee. Too much.
• Joe: Yessssssss. Joe literally made my night – definitely one of the best entrances yet. It was like he consumed 3 gallons of Red Bull and ran 3 laps around the mansion before leaping into Emily’s hallway with a little jig. Once there, he only had time to give her a quick hug before she told him to go to the living room and settle down. I think his entrance is best summarized in photos:

Limo 1 Winner: Doug.

LIMO 2

• Arie: Yeah, these 2 have instant chemistry. Arie is Ben’s Courtney, Ashley’s Bentley, Brad’s Emily, Ali’s Roberto…….get it? Expect to see this one stick around for a while. You could just tell by Emily’s face that she was feeling him – as was most of America as well.
• Kyle: Who? Yeah, a little forgettable but I actually liked this guy. He had a lot of confidence, shot her the obligatory compliment (“you look absolutely stunning”) and rocked a turquoise tie. I’d keep him around.
• Chris: Tall, masculine, athletic. Immediately threw out some religious references and advice from his happily married parents, all of which Emily loved. Tim Tebow in the house!
• Aaron: High school bio teacher rocking the readers – all acceptable. Being a cocky casanova and telling Emily he’s here to have “chemistry with you” – annoying. You’re one Bachelorette season too late, Aaron. That would have worked on someone else.
• Alessandro: Another international! Our resident Brazilian thinks it’s ok to kiss Emily TWICE upon first meeting her because “that’s how we do it where I’m from.” He rattles off some Portuguese too which Emily confuses for Spanish. LOL.

Limo 2 Winner: Arie

LIMO 3

• Jef: Arrives on a skateboard with some extra-gelled hair. Emily wonders when they started casting teenagers from the 1990s on this show. Just wait until she finds out about his $$$$$.
• Lerone: This guy has a major “sex voice” — like the voice radio DJs get hired for. He compliments her single motherhood and basically implies he wants to be the father of her next baby. I’m sure he was thrilled when ABC kicked contestant #25 and dialed him up last second after this all went down.
• Stevie: Greasy DJ with a portable boom box (acquired from a garage sale, Craigslist, 1995, who knows). Promises to teach Emily how to dance…….later.
• Charlie: Nervous, cute, southern (yes ma’am). Strong contender.
• Tony: Called himself Prince Charming (embarrassing) and gave Emily the glass shoe that ABC provided for him in her shoe size. And yes, Emily believes in love and fabulous shoes.

Limo 3 Winner: Charlie

LIMO 4

• Randy: What a moron. This guy comes in as “grandma” to play off Brittney from last season. Not only is Emily not amused, she doesn’t even get the joke and looks completely confused. Fail.
• Nate: Boring. Accountant. LA resident but reminds me of an East Coast elitist — like an Ivy League rower or something.
• Brent: 41 with 6 kids, and not good looking. No chance.
• John – “Wolf”: Lose the nickname and not bad. I’m really intrigued by his job title though – “data destruction specialist.” So like……paper shredding? Computer wiping? Need clarification here.
• Travis: Creepy music begins. Travis brings an egg large enough to hold a human child and promises to (guard &) protect it, because it symbolizes Emily and Ricki. Like The Mask, this is only an annoying distraction — as is his excessive sweating and panting.

(Yeah, limo 4 sucked)

Limo 4 Winner: Nate? John? No one?

LIMO 5

• Michael: Neo-hippie with greasy long hair.
• Jean-Paul: Polite, a little nerdy. Not that bad.
• Alejandro: Our mushroom farmer has arrived. This guy walks up to Emily and immediately mutters some Spanish at her like he’s Ricky Martin. Emily responds with some 5th grade Spanish of her own: “YO SOY EMILIA. YO SOY DAAAY CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.”
• Ryan: I think I already summed up my feelings on Ryan. On top of it all, he pulled out a crumpled piece of notebook paper with “I’m so nervous” written on it in crayon. With that Ryan secures a free pass to the final 4.
• Kalon: Arrives LATE in ABC’s helicopter like he’s Prince William, which clearly threatens the masculinity of every other man in the house (who are pressed to the windows with rage). He then saunters into the living room and says “I saw you from above. Where’s the bar?” – definitely not off to a good start in the mansion, but I’m amused.

Limo 5 Winner: Ryan

So that’s it — all 25 guys. Emily makes her way into the living room and is greeted with a collective round of deep murmuring and “woahhhhhhhhh” from the group of pervs she’s apparently on the show with — like they didn’t just see her 10 MINUTES AGO. One guy even says Emily is the “hottest Bachelorette ever!!!” – um, RUDE. You know Trista, Meredith, Jen, Deanna, Jillian, Ali, and Ashley are all watching.

The cocktail party overall was fairly uneventful – there were lots of big moves like Chris’s bobble heads (creepy), Doug’s letter from his son (hello easy 1st impression rose), and Arie’s blatant confession of being a race car driver (she liked it!).

What was lacking? DRAMA. Maybe it was the fact that this episode was cut 30 minutes short, or Emily is just not down for drama, but the only thing we really had to savor all night was everyone’s hate for Kalon and his rental helicopter. Boring.

So the rose ceremony commences (hurry, before daylight comes through the windows…..)

Pretty much everyone gets a rose except for suicidal superdad Brent, Lerone (what was wrong with him?!), Jackson the ab model, and Jean-Paul, who I’m sad we don’t get to know better. But of course she keeps boom box, egg, and JOE. Those must have been ABC’s roses.

Tonight we’re back to full 2 HOUR EPISODES! Excellent.

Good luck to everyone in our Fantasy League!