Ladies and Gentleman, we are back. The Bachelorette premiere has finally arrived, and with ONLY a million dollar contract and entire show relocation behind them, ABC has scored the star they’ve always dreamed of: Emily Maynard.

Single southern hot mom with a sad story behind her – this girl really is the best ABC could hope for, especially coming off their recent D List amateurs Ashley Hebert and Ben Flajnik – the 2 most painful seasons of this show to date. So coming into this season, our hopes are high and we’re ready to see some genuine love on this show.

The first 5 minutes of the episode are pretty much an info dump of everything we know about Emily to date. Even though ABC keeps us updated on Emily’s life every 5 minutes, I’ll quickly recap so we’re all on the same page:

• Emily is a single mom to her daughter Ricki whose father died in a plane accident before she was even born:

• Emily is mysteriously LOADED despite the fact that she doesn’t work and has no income.

Emily’s House:

Check out Ricki’s bedroom!

Neighborhood Shot:

In case you’re wondering though, Emily DID do an interview on this and said that her days are filled with “mom stuff”, errands, photography classes, and eating lunch. Click here for more info.

• Emily and Ricki wear matching outfits every day

• Emily gets lonely every night (because Ricki goes to bed insanely early at 7:30pm) and spends her alone time looking through old photo albums in the dark.

• About a year and a half ago, Emily met Brad Womack on The Bachelor…….

• And ended up getting engaged to him after 8 weeks of non-exclusive dating.

• This ended abruptly after Brad “broke her heart”

• And now, Emily is ready to date again after putting on her “big girl panties” and spending months staring off into nature…..

The million dollar contract didn’t hurt either.

Back to the present, we get our usual “sneak peek” at a handful of the most interesting guys of this season.

Here are some highlights:

• Kalon: In his own words, the “modern, southern gentleman.” Used to be a womanizer, but now changed and vulnerable. (not convinced) His job title is a “Luxury Brand Consultant” which means he’s lying to us and probably works at Sunglasses Hut. WTF. To top it all off, he’s waving some major douchebag flags including Ray Bans, tennis matches with himself, and the name “Kalon.”

• Ryan: Yes please. Just when we had almost lost hope in this show…..Ryan comes along. We’re going to excuse his confusing voluminous hair for that uber-masculine jawline. He’s tall, attractive, southern, an ex-NFL athlete……all Emily-appropriate. Plus, he works with kids and runs with his puppy – bonus points. Definitely a front runner in my books.

• Tony: Semi-depressed lumberjack fitness guru from Oregan. Also single dad #1 on this season. If the kid wasn’t involved, I honestly might have guessed that he was gay.

• Lerone: Ethnic (nice one ABC). Owns a suspiciously tiny dog. Job description includes something involving a lot of finance and a lot of real estate – translation: he makes BANK. Good looking and wants a family ASAP.

• David: Wes reincarnated. Annoying self-centered “singer/songwriter” probably plotting some sort of career move through the show. Has already professed his love to Emily before even meeting her, and wrote a heartfelt song for her on his cheap Casio keyboard:

“Emilyyyyyy, Emilyyyyyy, Emilyyyyy Oh Oh Emileee—eee-eee”

Side note: David’s real music is on YouTube. Click here.

• Charlie: Cute, southern, sensitive. Survived a balcony accident (random? need more details on this.) – and came out of it hyper focused on finding love. He made have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with his heart. Potentially a strong player.

• Jef: Remember Jesse on Deanna’s season? Awkward, sad Jesse that we all thought stood absolutely NO CHANCE with Deahhhhhna? But then won her in the end?

Jef is this season’s Jesse. Yes, a little hard to swallow at first, BUT there’s potential there. He obviously likes hair dryers, skateboarding, and jean jackets a little too much, BUT he’s the CEO of his own company (meaning he’s loaded), and he provides clean drinking water to people who don’t have it (good cause minded). He also shares Emily’s love of staring mindlessly into nature.

Arie: Ok, OBVIOUSLY this guy was hand selected by ABC for this season. Like, literally the producers crashed the closest racetrack in Arizona and said “give us your hottest one.” Leave it to ABC to always take the most insensitive road possible. Beyond the obvious casting reason, Arie IS one of the better looking ones and didn’t pull anything majorly foolish in his introductions, so we’re going to stay optimistic about this one.

He’s also from Holland AND Arizona, wtf does that mean. Look, yes we know it’s sexy to have an international flavor but don’t just arrive on the scene with an American accent and a race car and think we’re going to understand this. Based on Arie’s height alone, we’ll buy the Dutch story but his hometown date BETTER be in Amsterdam. If he gets there. Just saying.

So back to Emily – she arrives at the NEW bachelorette mansion and begins with the customary fireside chat with the one and only Chris Harrison. Careful Emily! He might not be the best source of love advice at the moment……

Emily is also wearing a nude mesh figure skating outfit and 5 pounds of lip gloss. BFFs Ashley and Ali are backstage with oil blotting cloths, Altoids, and more lip gloss – although each is secretly hoping Emily passes out and they can step in for round 2 of shame & fame.

Overall, this segment was super boring and I ended up pouring myself another glass of wine during it, but had to REWIND X5 as soon as Emily got her crazy eyes on and delivered the best quote yet:

 

“…..I want a mini-van full of babies. I want it so bad, I want to be in love, I want BABIES, I’m tired of being engaged. I want to get married. I want babies like, YESTERDAY. The clock is ticking.”

Hello girl – you may look 35, but you’re only 26! Cool it. I just don’t understand the maternal panicking going on in her head. Now that you’re famous, you can wait until you’re 39 and then panic and have twins like all the other celebs out there.

So with that, we’re ready for our parade of limos! I LOVE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS. These are true Bachelor(ette) gold. A full hour of tension you can cut with a knife. I grab my notebook and Emily takes her position at the end of a long, stone-walled hallway. Looks like the Pier 1 designers made the trip out to Charlotte, because with all the candles, fake foliage, and jewel-toned fabric I feel like we haven’t even left LA.

There’s obviously so many guys in night one, so I’ll do my best at summarizing each one’s entrance as briefly as possible. Here goes:

LIMO 1

• Sean: Soft-spoken, cute Texan with an unfortunate douchey strut. Emily seems pleased with option #1.
• David: Our singer/songwriter oozes confidence as he seduces Emily in the front hallway and asks the dumb question “Who chose Charlotte?” – like she didn’t live there already AND he can’t believe there’s life outside of NYC. I will give him props on the gray suit though – classy and original.
• Doug: “Hi, I’m a dad and I left my son at home.” Doug definitely came out of the limo swinging, hoping to bond with Emily over an immediate mention of his child. He also probed about Ricki’s whereabouts which seems a LITTLE invasive right up front. I’m sure Doug spent the last 3 months doing as much internet research on Emily as possible. I think it worked on her though — she warmed up to him immediately and thought he was cute.
• Jackson: Chooses to fill his 30 seconds with Emily with a quote he pulled off of a Hallmark card – “life’s not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.” — all down on one knee. Too much.
• Joe: Yessssssss. Joe literally made my night – definitely one of the best entrances yet. It was like he consumed 3 gallons of Red Bull and ran 3 laps around the mansion before leaping into Emily’s hallway with a little jig. Once there, he only had time to give her a quick hug before she told him to go to the living room and settle down. I think his entrance is best summarized in photos:

Limo 1 Winner: Doug.

LIMO 2

• Arie: Yeah, these 2 have instant chemistry. Arie is Ben’s Courtney, Ashley’s Bentley, Brad’s Emily, Ali’s Roberto…….get it? Expect to see this one stick around for a while. You could just tell by Emily’s face that she was feeling him – as was most of America as well.
• Kyle: Who? Yeah, a little forgettable but I actually liked this guy. He had a lot of confidence, shot her the obligatory compliment (“you look absolutely stunning”) and rocked a turquoise tie. I’d keep him around.
• Chris: Tall, masculine, athletic. Immediately threw out some religious references and advice from his happily married parents, all of which Emily loved. Tim Tebow in the house!
• Aaron: High school bio teacher rocking the readers – all acceptable. Being a cocky casanova and telling Emily he’s here to have “chemistry with you” – annoying. You’re one Bachelorette season too late, Aaron. That would have worked on someone else.
• Alessandro: Another international! Our resident Brazilian thinks it’s ok to kiss Emily TWICE upon first meeting her because “that’s how we do it where I’m from.” He rattles off some Portuguese too which Emily confuses for Spanish. LOL.

Limo 2 Winner: Arie

LIMO 3

• Jef: Arrives on a skateboard with some extra-gelled hair. Emily wonders when they started casting teenagers from the 1990s on this show. Just wait until she finds out about his $$$$$.
• Lerone: This guy has a major “sex voice” — like the voice radio DJs get hired for. He compliments her single motherhood and basically implies he wants to be the father of her next baby. I’m sure he was thrilled when ABC kicked contestant #25 and dialed him up last second after this all went down.
• Stevie: Greasy DJ with a portable boom box (acquired from a garage sale, Craigslist, 1995, who knows). Promises to teach Emily how to dance…….later.
• Charlie: Nervous, cute, southern (yes ma’am). Strong contender.
• Tony: Called himself Prince Charming (embarrassing) and gave Emily the glass shoe that ABC provided for him in her shoe size. And yes, Emily believes in love and fabulous shoes.

Limo 3 Winner: Charlie

LIMO 4

• Randy: What a moron. This guy comes in as “grandma” to play off Brittney from last season. Not only is Emily not amused, she doesn’t even get the joke and looks completely confused. Fail.
• Nate: Boring. Accountant. LA resident but reminds me of an East Coast elitist — like an Ivy League rower or something.
• Brent: 41 with 6 kids, and not good looking. No chance.
• John – “Wolf”: Lose the nickname and not bad. I’m really intrigued by his job title though – “data destruction specialist.” So like……paper shredding? Computer wiping? Need clarification here.
• Travis: Creepy music begins. Travis brings an egg large enough to hold a human child and promises to (guard &) protect it, because it symbolizes Emily and Ricki. Like The Mask, this is only an annoying distraction — as is his excessive sweating and panting.

(Yeah, limo 4 sucked)

Limo 4 Winner: Nate? John? No one?

LIMO 5

• Michael: Neo-hippie with greasy long hair.
• Jean-Paul: Polite, a little nerdy. Not that bad.
• Alejandro: Our mushroom farmer has arrived. This guy walks up to Emily and immediately mutters some Spanish at her like he’s Ricky Martin. Emily responds with some 5th grade Spanish of her own: “YO SOY EMILIA. YO SOY DAAAY CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.”
• Ryan: I think I already summed up my feelings on Ryan. On top of it all, he pulled out a crumpled piece of notebook paper with “I’m so nervous” written on it in crayon. With that Ryan secures a free pass to the final 4.
• Kalon: Arrives LATE in ABC’s helicopter like he’s Prince William, which clearly threatens the masculinity of every other man in the house (who are pressed to the windows with rage). He then saunters into the living room and says “I saw you from above. Where’s the bar?” – definitely not off to a good start in the mansion, but I’m amused.

Limo 5 Winner: Ryan

So that’s it — all 25 guys. Emily makes her way into the living room and is greeted with a collective round of deep murmuring and “woahhhhhhhhh” from the group of pervs she’s apparently on the show with — like they didn’t just see her 10 MINUTES AGO. One guy even says Emily is the “hottest Bachelorette ever!!!” – um, RUDE. You know Trista, Meredith, Jen, Deanna, Jillian, Ali, and Ashley are all watching.

The cocktail party overall was fairly uneventful – there were lots of big moves like Chris’s bobble heads (creepy), Doug’s letter from his son (hello easy 1st impression rose), and Arie’s blatant confession of being a race car driver (she liked it!).

What was lacking? DRAMA. Maybe it was the fact that this episode was cut 30 minutes short, or Emily is just not down for drama, but the only thing we really had to savor all night was everyone’s hate for Kalon and his rental helicopter. Boring.

So the rose ceremony commences (hurry, before daylight comes through the windows…..)

Pretty much everyone gets a rose except for suicidal superdad Brent, Lerone (what was wrong with him?!), Jackson the ab model, and Jean-Paul, who I’m sad we don’t get to know better. But of course she keeps boom box, egg, and JOE. Those must have been ABC’s roses.

Tonight we’re back to full 2 HOUR EPISODES! Excellent.

Good luck to everyone in our Fantasy League!