I think the major themes from this week’s episode were craziness and betrayal – two of my favorite things. Let’s get to it.
We start where we left off at last week’s rose ceremony – Jake’s dramatic exit. Vienna is so grateful that everyone voted for her sake, because we all know how much of an abuser Jake is… Please.
Jake gives a poetic farewell speech where he advises the remaining contestants to “step up and do the right thing” by voting off the power couples.
Kasey sees right through this because he’s the strongest “stratEEgist.” That’s gotta be humiliating – no one is ever going to let him live that one down. But he doesn’t care because “the Devil’s gone.”
Just when I’m about to blog that I feel really sorry for Jake and he should be the Bachelor again, he does this Tom Cruise-esque cackle in the limo ride home. Creeeepy.
I still want him to be The Bachelor again.
Now, on to the next competition. It’s time for the annual kissing contest! No one ever wants to participate, but we all know they secretly do. Who wouldn’t love the title of the best kisser in the house?
William wouldn’t. That’s who. Why didn’t he just pull himself out of the competition?
I mean, that is the most pathetic attempt at a kiss I’ve EVER seen. Yet Stag isn’t thrilled by any of this, especially when Blake gets his moment with Holly.
My favorite moment of the kissing contest is when the guys had to kiss Vienna. I love how they act like they don’t want to kiss her because they’re being respectful to Kasey. Here’s Will going in for the kill again…
So hot. Now it’s the guys’ turn to be kissed. Ella REALLY wants the money. She’s got a strategy that works every time – a little bit of pressure, a little bit of tongue. Magic.
Oh wait – my actual favorite part of the kissing contest is when Erica is kissing Kirk. He notes that it was pretty sloppy and her boobs were touching him. Ella may have an interesting kissing technique, but Erica has got the boob touch down.
Wait, wait, wait… my ACTUAL favorite part of this contest is when none of the girls want to kiss Kasey because he apparently has terrible breath. I can’t tell if Vienna is hiding her face because she doesn’t want to see other girls making out with her boyfriend, or because she’s crying as she hears the other girls gag.
Okay, no, this is definitely my favorite part. Holly gets her way with Blake, and this is where the betrayal begins.
Poor Mikey. So the winners of the kissing contest are, surprise, surprise, Ella and Blake.
Ella takes Kirk on on a really boring date to the house where the Bachelor and Bachelorette stay and they take a hot air balloon ride about 10 feet off the ground. They try to one up each other with their sob stories about breathing in mold and watching moms get shot.
Erica’s no dummy – she knows Blake has the power to save her this week, so she swoops in fast with a boob massage to “destress” him. She tells him if he brings her on the date, she would do whatever he wanted. So hot, Erica.
Blake doesn’t take the bait, but he’ll certainly take a free massage.
When Blake’s date card arrives, Melissa can’t wait to hear her name, since they’re partners and have each others’ backs and all. The card say something about a slippery slope, and Melissa blurts out “We could be going… yeah..” Dear God, this is painful to watch.
Of course he invites Holly, and this is where the theme of craziness begins. You know when you hear the words “that’s f***** up” coming out of Melissa’s mouth, we’re about to be in for a real treat.
Melissa storms off to the bathroom and Michelle tries to console her, but she just can’t even believe this is happening. I mean, Melissa even told Blake that she was so glad he was carrying her and that she was going on a date!
My favorite quote from Michelle this season has to be “Melissa wears her emotions on her panties”. It needs no explanation – she’s absolutely correct.
When Melissa finally comes to her senses and leaves the bathroom, she calls Holly a “slutty a** b****” and tells Blake he’s a sociopath.
It’s time to play a little game I like to call “Who here is a sociopath?” Today’s person of interest is Blake!
Here’s how to play – we take a look at a list of 28 characteristics of a sociopath. If our contestant exhibits at least 20 of them, he’s likely a sociopath!
Glibness/superficial charm – Okay, this is an obvious one. Blake has that cheeseball smile and swagger around women that’s a little unsettling. Check.
Manipulative and conning – Well considering he was hooking up with Melissa just to play the game, I’m going to go with a yes on this one. Check.
Grandiose sense of self – I’d say Blake seems to think he’s God’s gift to women, so yes. Check.
Pathological lying – Blake obviously doesn’t have a difficult time lying to Melissa about his intentions. Check.
Lack of remorse, shame or guilt – Does he seem sorry that he hooked up with Melissa? Absolutely not – he’s just annoyed that he has to deal with the aftermath. Check.
Shallow emotions – Exhibit A, in regards to Holly in kissing contest, he needs to “re-examine the evidence.” Gag. Check.
Incapacity for love – If anyone here thinks he’s actually falling in love with Holly, you’re on a different planet. I mean, the first thing he noticed about her was her legs. Check.
Need for stimulation – Uh, legs comment. Check.
Callousness/lack of empathy – He obviously doesn’t care that Kirk needs the money more because he breathed in mold, or that Ella really needs a bigger house. Check.
Poor behavioral controls/impulsive nature – I mean, I think everyone knows that hooking up with Melissa was a stupid, un-thought out behavior. He even said that it was easy to kiss her because he’d had a few drinks. Check.
Early behavior problems/juvenile delinquency – Hm, nothing has surfaced yet that I’m aware of. No check.
Irresponsibility/unreliability – He seems pretty responsible in his personal life from what we can see. No check.
Promiscuous sexual behavior/infidelity – Check.
Lack of realistic life plan/parasitic lifestyle – Hard to say. No check.
Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility – Not to our knowledge. No check.
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them – No evidence. No check.
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them – I think we can give a check on this one. Check.
Authoritarian – Hm, I don’t really see it. No check.
Secretive – A little? Not sold. No check.
Paranoid – He doesn’t seem to be paranoid more than a normal human being would be around Melissa. No check.
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired – If you can consider Bachelor Pad being a situation where tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, I’d say.. Check.
Conventional appearance – Yup. Check.
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s) – That’s a bit extreme. But his goal was to use Melissa as his pawn. Half check?
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life – I don’t think so. No check.
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love) – He does seem to want Melissa to talk to him and listen to his side of the story. Check.
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim – Probably safe to say that was his goal in using Melissa to get ahead in the game. Check.
Incapable of real human attachment to another – I didn’t see it with Ashley, I didn’t see it with Melissa, and I don’t see it with Holly. He sees her as a piece of a**. Check.
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world. Does Bachelor Pad count as “the world”? Check.
Blake’s score: 18.5 out of 28. Sorry, probably not a sociopath.
I give her credit though, 18.5 out of 28 is on your way to sociopath-dom.
Now that we’ve got that sorted out, can we talk about Melissa’s giant pink shoes? WTF?
And she wonders why Blake won’t drop his electric toothbrush to talk to her. Just 45 more seconds…
She keeps running around the house like a lunatic babbling something about cutting off a dictator’s resources…
The next day, Holly and Blake are having a great time on the slopes.
Mikey’s back at the house having a topless pity party (if you’re going to have a pity party, this is the best kind IMO). And now, a photo exposé.
When Holly and Blake return from their overnight date, Michael can’t get inside the house fast enough. He’s starting to wonder why he agreed to go outside and do that stupid “look sad off into the distance” scene when he should’ve been sitting inside by the door.
Holly admits that she made out with Blake. She says something like, “Weowww.. we kissed.” It’s not like it was her fault – the almost sociopath just needed to “re-examine the evidence.”
Don’t worry, Michael. She’ll make it up to you later by making out with you in front of Blake.
It’s almost time for voting, so Kasey makes one last plea to his followers to not send him home. Basically his grandma would die if she doesn’t get this money. Who can say no to Grammy?
Melissa gets wind that she might be on the chopping block, and she gets hysterical.
Graham plays it smart.
Melissa tries to eavesdrop to see who is voting her off…
And in the end, she knows her fate.
Side note: Did anyone else notice Michelle crying in the living room? I couldn’t figure out why, but after hearing her comments later about William being the “salt of the earth” I’m assuming she must have known he was going home and was upset?
She’s right. In the end, poor Prince William gets the boot, and Melissa is out, too.
After William and Melissa leave, all the girls are still wondering about Ella’s kissing technique and they try to test it out. Ella apparently will only do this when money is involved. She REALLY needs that house.
Final thoughts: I want Erica to be my best friend. She is not as dumb as everyone makes her out to be. She’s actually a hilarious genius with giant boobs and fake lips, and who wouldn’t want to be friends with that? I feel like we would laugh so hard all the time and play practical jokes on people. Erica, call me.
We start out this episode by Kasey flashing the camera some gang signs so that everyone can see how tough he is.
Heh, this is gonna be a good one. This week’s challenge was extra fun. The contestants dressed up in white bathing suits and had targets on their back – literally. The Bach Pad PA’s literally airbrushed targets onto the contestants backs.
This turned out to be the most cruel game yet. The girls threw paint-filled eggs at the guys when anonymously answering questions like, “Who are you most attracted to in the house?” and “Who do you want to see go home?”
Jake got the most eggs on his back for the “who do you want to see go home” question. I’m actually starting to feel really sorry for him. I mean, yeah, he did flip out on camera at the break-up episode, but honestly, who wouldn’t after hearing Vienna’s B.S. for months? I wish I could reach through the TV and slap her. TEAM JAKE.
The saddest part of this game though is when the guys got to throw eggs at the girls. Poor Erica got about 8 eggs on her back for being the least attractive girl in the house.
How the hell did she get paint on her eyes?
Anyway, Rookie of the Year trophy goes to Stag. Nice work, dude.
Melissa and Michael win the roses, despite the fact that Vienna played on a softball team in high school.
MStag picks Erica (because she won’t stop crying), Michelle (because she’ll get the dirt from Holly on their relationship and tell him later), and Holly (because he’s about to get heartbroken again) to go on the date. The producers come up with the brilliant idea to take them to an abandoned mental hospital scavenger hunt. The budget really got slashed for Bach Pad dates.
Erica quickly shows her stuff on the chains… I feel like she might have some experience doing this…
And as an olive branch to Erica for nailing her in the back with a 90 mph pitch, Mikey offers to channel some spirits with her. She’s into it.
Meanwhile, Michelle is chatting with Holly in the next room about where her relationship with Michael went wrong. We never really get to the bottom of this, but it’s definitely leading up to a nice heartbreak when Holly hooks up with Blake the real dentist. (I mean, she’s flossing for him for God’s sake)
To no one’s surprise, Michael gives the rose to Holly, and they get a one-on-one moment on the rooftop to talk about their relationship. Poor guy, he really loves her. She just thinks “something’s missing.” (or someone – Blake?)
They hug it out and Mikey thinks they’re all good, while Holly’s just thinking about how quickly she can get back to the house before Blake hooks up with Melissa again.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Ames and Jackie are somewhere making out.
And Vienna is drinking and telling everyone YET AGAIN how much of an ass Jake is. If we all just knew what he put her through, we’d understand.
Jake asks Vienna if he can have a word with her, but he’s not allowed to talk to her without Kasey present.
Next up, Melissa picks 3 guys for her date. She chooses Kirk, Kasey and obviously Blake. Blake decides tonight is the night to make his move. I mean, it’s basically like hooking up with a prostitute, right? So serendipitous.
So what if Melissa made a pact with Kasey? Blake is obviously into her and she’s not going to eff that up. She gives him the rose.
Kasey and Kirk take a small life raft back to the beach so Melissa and Blake can get some alone time.
This is when I’m reminded that I used to have a major crush on Kirk. Somebody snatch him up.
Without a rose, Gia knows she’s likely to go home, so she decides to make an alliance with Graham (because they’re really good friends outside of the show and she knows she can trust him) to break up the power couples – specifically Kasey & Vienna.
The Godfather is going to be pisssssed.
Holly and Blake are both back from their group dates, and it’s time to meet up in the boom-boom room.
Melissa is looking for Blake EVERYWHERE. She’s even asking the producers and camera men where she can find them, and they happily lead her to him.
This is just getting awkward.
Blake’s finally starting to see that Melissa is LOONEY but he knows he’s done nothing wrong (cough).
Jake makes one more attempt to save his a** this week by asking Kasey and Vienna for their help.
It didn’t go well. Kasey’s tattoo starts throbbing like Spiderman’s spidey senses and he knows is time to guard and protect.
Vienna loves it. Kasey’s such a man with that tattoo he got for Ali his non-profit.
Before the rose ceremony, Chris makes a big announcement that this week 2 girls will be going home instead of a guy and a girl. THIS IS CHEATING. I’m sorry – how does someone who is not actually playing the game cheat in a game?
Vienna goes on a tirade about how ABC forced her to do a break-up special (just like they forced her to sell her break-up story to a tabloid) and now they’re forcing her to be on this stupid show with Jake. Chris shows her the door.
Although she fears for her life, she decides to stay.
Kasey confronts Gia about her little side-pact with Graham. Does she really think she can get away with stabbing The Godfather in his back?
She decides to leave the show rather than be betrayed by her BFF Graham again.
Gia, I love you, but you have to stop crying incessantly.
Now that Gia voluntarily left, only 1 more girl has to go home. It’s between Ella and Jackie, and while Ames thinks he makes a deal with Kasey and Vienna to keep Jackie on, it doesn’t work out for him.
Ella gets the rose, and Jackie gets the limo. Ames walks her to the car in his papaya Chinos.
While they’re sad Jackie is leaving, they’re happy to have found love. And then – just when we all thought Jackie would go home and they’d forget all about each other, Ames makes a mad dash for the limo.
Okay, as cynical as I am, I did shed a tear when Ames ran for the limo. Because what girl doesn’t want a guy to chase her down the road as she’s leaving for the airport??
Next week on The Bachelor Pad, here’s a glimpse of one of my favorite WTF moments…
We experienced 3 hours of entertainment gold this past Monday. The first 10 minutes alone were more dramatic than Ashley’s entire season of The Bachelorette, and things are definitely shaping up to blow even the LAST Bachelor Pad away, thanks to the all-star cast of skanky, money hungry “reality stars” that ABC has lined up for us this time around. Mark Fleiss is truly at the peak of his career here.
So get ready for the LONGEST RECAP EVER…..
The first hour of the episode was dedicated to introducing each cast member, reminding us who they hate or recently broke up with (or both), and a final sad story which (in their eyes) deems them worthy of the prize money.
Let’s run through the cast quickly:
Justin “The Wrestler” ALSO “Rated R”: So of course this guy is back. The fact that he had a girlfriend while playing Ali on The Bachelorette qualifies him alone for Bachelor Pad, but on top of that he’s a major douche who insists on calling himself “Rated R” and hangs out alone on graffiti walls in black hoodies.
Seriously man, we’re not intimidated by you. We find out that this time the “R” stands for “Revenge”, because most of the guys on his season turned into major biotches during “The Men Tell All” and he’s not cool with them talking about him behind his back like that. This is finally his chance to get back at them.
Jackie: Ah, sweet artistic Jackie who was just a little too boring and plain to win Brad Womack’s season, but flipped a switch and unleashed her thoughts on Michelle Money like a she-dragon in Women Tell All. Remember this?
This is the moment I decided that I liked Jackie. She tells us that if she ever sees Michelle again (i.e. in 5 minutes), things are going down and they are definitely not going to be friends. Very intimidating.
Overall, she just doesn’t seem skanky enough to be on this show but that’s what Ames is for.
Michelle: Our favorite female contestant of all time on The Bachelor(ette) franchise. Crazy, fireworks, 30th birthday, sensual/sexy/slippery, I’m a WOMAN, black eyed Michelle. ABC perfectly casted this one, and probably paid her a large chunk of money to just show up.
Sad music starts, and Michelle tells us that a) she’s a single mom, b) her dad has colon cancer, and so therefore c) she deserves the money the most.
She starts to fake cry, which is annoying. I actually do feel sorry for her daughter and her dad, because they’re related to this lunatic. Fortunately for them, I think Michelle’s going far in this game both because she’s hot and would cut anyone to get to the end.
Gia: WHY ARE YOU HERE?!? Gia, Go Away. Put away your pink Barbie clipboard of reasons why you deserve a second shot at this show, and go back to your more successful pastime of swimsuit modeling.
I can tell already that Gia is going to be a major annoyance this entire season, because she acts like she knows more than anyone else, bosses everyone around like the house mom, and has perfect hair. ABC just couldn’t resist the temptation – not only is she a babe, but she also has a wonderfully dramatic relationship history through this show:
Pursued Jake on The Bachelor
Was dumped by Jake
Hooked up with Wes on Bachelor Pad 1
Became BFF with Vienna through Bachelor Pad 1
Was cheated on by Wes (with Vienna) and therefore…
Now hates Vienna
Goldmine!
Oh yeah, and she’s campaigning for the next Bachelorette. Good luck, Gia – Emily will win.
Vienna: Member #1 of the love triangle this season.
The first 10 minutes of Vienna’s 20-minute introduction were spent watching her get a spray tan, and then 30 seconds later she’s lying at the pool actually tanning (while holding hands with Kasey).
Everything about her is even more unappealing than it was the first time around, from her tats to her boobs to her fugly hair to her legit crazy eyes. Here are some shots I took of them:
After doing some nervous giggling, Vienna sums herself up to us like this:
“I’m Vienna. I’m from Jake’s season of The Bachelor. I’m competitive, and I’m awesome. I’m going to win, because I think I found someone that can really truly guard and protect my heart.
Aaaaand cue in Kasey and this super cheeseball shot of his tat:
Kasey: Overall, Kasey’s tat gets more screen time than his face this season.
I don’t really know anything about Kasey besides the fact that he foolishly got a tattoo on Ali’s season, is obsessed with guarding and protecting hearts, and is with Vienna. The poor guy is just her pawn in an effort to get famous and plastic surgery, and even tells us that it’s hard dating a “girl like Vienna” – i.e. he doesn’t trust her. Vienna tells us that if she had to choose between winning the money and her boyfriend, then her boyfriend is in trouble.
I seriously felt a little sorry for Kasey until Jake arrived, when he turned into a territorial dog and continued to speak in a language that I can’t understand.
My favorite quote of the episode came from Mr. Kasey himself, as he responds to the idea of Jake showing up @ the mansion:
“If Jake ends up showing up at the house, it’s going to be tough for me ‘cause I’m in the best shape of my life, I’ve gained 30 pounds of solid muscle, I just want to punch the guy. I’ve never in my life had an ultimate distaste in my mouth about 1 human being. He’s a jackass. He’s a piece of s*#&. I’m going to go take a Jake, and wipe my Pavelka. That’s just what I think of him.”
Rewind. Rewind. Rewind.
My dream outcome this season? Kasey gets voted out early, and Vienna is forced to continue on, facing the other contestants without his protection and with Jake still in the house. Glorious.
Jake: Still the same overly enthusiastic, emotional, and disturbing pilot.
There’s just somethng about him that is unsettling and makes you think there really is a scary side to him deep down in there. Flashback to this:
And now Jake is back, walking through a meadow and telling us all about his history with Vienna and how much he has to say to her now.
I kind of got the feeling that he wasn’t over her during this montage.
Regardless, Jake sees this show as a good move because it’s one more step in his “acting career.”
Erica Rose: I’m really glad ABC reached back into their archives and pulled this one out from Lorenzo’s season (whose season?). She is perfect for this show – spoiled, sloppy, mentally unstable, and under the impression that she’s way hotter than she ACTUALLY is. For any HSM fans out there, kind of reminds me of a real-life version of Sharpay.
Anyways, Erica entertains us by wearing a tiara, working out in a bikini and clear stripper heels, and giving us a tour of her parents’ mansion.
She really excited to be here on the Bachelor Pad because winning $250,000 by just being slutty is way easier than going out there and getting a real job. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t realize is that $250,000 would only last for a couple of weeks with her spending habits. Also, she’s slurring all of her words because she’s drunk.
I can tell that Erica Rose and Vienna are going to be BFFs.
Here’s my favorite quote from Erica Rose:
“I think I could use my sex appeal to my advantage by flirting with a lot of the guys. I wouldn’t mind just hooking up with someone if I thought it would help me win. I wouldn’t discriminate – I would also kiss a girl if I thought it would help my chances. There’s not a lot of things that I wouldn’t do outside of compromising my morals…….but my morals really aren’t that strict, so it’s ok.”
Graham: Boring, but hot. Also, smart enough to work his way into a “power couple” situation.
He shows us some pretty impressive work he has done in impoverished communities, so the money actually might go to a good cause with this one.
Ella: Overall, I don’t mind Ella. I like her sass, and the fact that she is relatively unemotional will take her far on this show.
We find out that she’s going after the money to give her son a REAL house (pan to her wandering aimlessly around a neighborhood of cottages).
The background music dies and she also tells us that her step dad killed her mom right in front of her and her sister years ago – so yeah, she deserves to win.
Also, Ella’s hair rivals Alli’s boobs and Ames’ head for biggest feature in the house.
Holly: We get a quick refresher of what Holly looked like during Matt Grant’s season, and WOW.
Glad she got a makeover, although she could lay off on the spray tan a little bit and not talk like she’s 15.
And not shop at Forever 21 when she’s going to be on national television. What is this skirt?!
Holly tells us about her love story with our favorite Michael Stagliano, and how she cruelly called off their engagement and left him heartbroken. We see some old photos of them together and she pulls out her ready-made box of wedding magazines and relationship mementos and rifles through them on her bed.
This box also includes her old engagement ring (which was obviously NOT Neil Lane and NOT financed by ABC).
Mike: Now onto Mike, one of my favorite guys. I actually feel really sorry for Mike and think he’s crazy for subjecting himself to this show. ABC made sure to get a few suicidal balcony shots too, in true Bachelor style. Holly clearly doesn’t care about his feelings, and has her eye on Blake the whole time. I think Mike is a really honest, emotion-filled guy and am worried he’s not cut out for Bachelor Pad.
Another thing: Has anyone noticed that Mike never makes eye contact with the camera??
And the rest of the contestants are deemed too boring to require a custom, 10 minute intro so I’ll do it for them:
Ames: WHY IS HE ON THIS SHOW? Who tricked him into signing into this? This is the last place Ames belongs – locked in a house full of unintelligent, uncultured, unsophisticatd individuals not at all like himself.
He’ll probably be trapped for a while too, because no one has the heart to vote him off. Ames isn’t even wearing his signature colored chinos tonight – but is greeted by cheers from everyone in the house as he walks in.
Blake, William, and Kirk: The new Grobans of this season. All 3 look alike, all 3 will probably get lots of action from the girls – unless William decides to open his mouth. I’m thinking that out of all of them, Blake is going to go the furthest, as he’s arguably the best looking and is going to have influential Holly on his side.
Holly also likes how Blake “uses really big words” (i.e. dysfunctional) – which turns her on.
Shout out to Kirk though for looking fab in his blue plaid shirt:
Alli’s Boobs: I actually have always really liked Alli. I think she seems nice and non-moronic, and has a pretty realistic, non-emaciated body.
Not much to say about her besides the fact that she was probably casted for her boobs.
Melissa: YESSSSSSSSSS.Awkward, insecure, spray tanned cougar from Brad’s season. The one that shoved her tongue in his mouth like this:
I wonder if she quit her job and bought another $2,000 worth of clothes to come on TV again? Obviously that got her far the first time around. Here’s the offensive ensemble she chose to debut during Women Tell All:
Regardless, Melissa is major DRAMA, and I love the fact she’s here.
So with all these intros out of the way, we’re pretty excited about what lies ahead of us.
COCKTAIL PARTY
The remainder of the cocktail party is filled with giggling, side convos, awkward staring, and 1 final golden moment – the moment Jake decides to pull Kasey outside alone for a man chat. Scary Spanish guitar music begins in the background and Kasey begins to sweat, a lot.
Jake (surprisingly) takes the mature higher road and decides to clear the air with Kasey, explaining that he’s not in love with Vienna anymore (false) and he’s really happy for the 2 of them. Nicely done! The conversation should have ended there but Kasey decides to respond with a stuttering, sweating speech about protecting Vienna’s heart from Jake – this “monster.”
He also says he is “mentally beating the crap out of Jake” – LOL. Overdramatic and premature, perhaps? Meanwhile, Vienna is hiding in the shadows of the mansion, twitching and watching with crazy eyes.
The next morning arrives, and we immediately find out a few things from the night before:
Blake is kind of into Melissa the cougar (gross)
Kirk got wasted and hooked up with Erica Rose last night (whaaaaaaaat?!)
Ames and Jackie are basically already dating (cute)
(We see you guys)
Everyone joins Chris Harrison out in the driveway (who is wearing a vest over a white tshirt?)
MStag says that “sex is on everyone’s mind,” which is perfect because today’s challenge is basically sex positions, suspended in air 10 feet above beds.
Actual beds, lol.
What results looks like this:
LOLOLOL.
I couldn’t screenshot this scene fast enough!
Michelle Money is basically taking advantage of poor Ames, Michael and Holly awkwardly pick each other because they’re comfortable with these positions together already, and poor Kirk and Graham are struggling underneath the weight of Erica Rose and Alli’s boobs. But who drops his girl first? Will, who is holding tiny Gia.
She is pissed but he’s being his typical db self and bragging about partnering with her in the first place. Holly throws out the total floozy line “I would rather be drinking, woooooooooooo” and surrenders for her and Mike. Ella says this is harder than childbirth.
At last, the competition is down to just Jake/Jackie & Kasey/Vienna, which is perfect because it fuels a testosterone war between these 2 guys, while Jackie plays dead and Vienna whispers death threats in Kasey’s ears.
Despite Kasey and Vienna being in the “best shape of their lives”, Jake ends up winning by imagining that he’s holding Jackie off of a cliff and failure is not an option.
Jake is loving it:
Because he and Jackie now scored a one-on-one date and can give 1 person in the house immunity with them. This is the holy grail of Bachelor Pad. All other couples are instantly jealous and already strategizing on how they’re going to suck up to Jake and Jackie enough for that 3rd rose.
Meanwhile, Kasey and Vienna retreat in shame to the hot tub of all places where Vienna proceeds to yell at him for not being a man and not fulfilling his promise to guard and protect her.
Kasey is even more red than usual.
Vienna tells us:
“I’m just pissed off right now. The only reason I’m doing this is because my boyfriend has said that he will protect me, and never let anything happen to me, and he’s not. I need to make sure that Kasey realizes that he’s here for me, not for himself.”
Run, Kasey!
LATER THAT DAY
As Jackie and Jake are out on their date, everyone starts forming alliances in the house to ensure their safety. Instantly a group of “core 4” emerge – Jake, Vienna, Michelle, and Graham. What is charity-doer Graham doing with these snakes?
Vienna: “We are final four to the end, like, we are the core four. We have absolutely no reason to stab each other, to do anything wrong.”
LOL.
Just wait until they really ARE the final four –are they going to have each others’ backs then? Of course not.
So the core group then annexes Justin, which was a terrible idea because he goes straight to “the outsiders” Gia and Alli, and tells them everything, even going as far as telling Alli’s boobs that Graham was going to “work on her” to get her over to the dark side.
So now Alli is pissed, mostly because she had a huge crush on Graham (watch out Alli, that’s Michelle Money’s territory) and is now realizing that he’s probably not really into her. She’s also drunk and so goes ahead and corners Graham about it with Michelle right there. BUSTED!
Long story and 30 minutes later, the “core group” decides that Justin and Alli have to go – traitors aren’t allowed.
In the corner, Ames is sitting peacefully, completing a crossword puzzle in Portuguese and sipping an espresso.
DATE
Meanwhile, Jake and Jackie are having the typical Bachelor date – dressing up, seeing their name on a lit-up marquee, and eating in a place where “the public” is not allowed to eat – in this place, actually inside the lit up marquee. Typical. The only thing missing is the pilot-less helicopter.
For a minute I was worried that Ames might have some competition and Jake might try and make the moves on Jackie up there, but we quickly realize that all he cares about is getting to Vienna and making things right with her. Whatever Jake.
And then Jackie comes up with the worst idea in Bachelor(ette) history………………….giving the rose to Vienna to make Jake feel better. At this point I am mentally beating the crap out of Jackie.
So this happens:
Gia is PISSED and starts crying, and Jake wins his 10 minute conversation with Kasey and Vienna, which ends up being Jake talking the whole time with Kasey hovering protectively.
Afterwards, Jake sits awkwardly in the next room and Kasey and Vienna go into the hallway to recover from this traumatic conversation by making out and whispering and then proceeding into the “sex room”. So this may have been the most disgusting 5 minutes of my life – I can never get these minutes back. I literally covered my entire head while THIS happened:
VOMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
awkward.
ROSE CEREMONY
So the rose ceremony played out pretty much exactly as we all expected – about 30 full minutes of secret strategizing conversions and some scary music, and then after the 4×6 photos were tallied Justin and Alli – the house traitors – were sent home.
Instead, I’d like to call out the things that WERE interesting at the end of this episode:
Ames’ White Chinos
Erica Rose’s Britney Spears Toxic dress (+ a few pounds)
Justin swiping Jake’s rose because he’s “going home with a rose one way or the other”
(PS: check out Chris Harrison’s face………he is LOVINGGGGGG this………he probably told him to do it)
THE MASK RETURNS. I laughed the entire time while The Mask crawled over the mansion’s fence, spied on everyone sleeping, and again used the mansion’s bathroom on tape – this time reading about Ashley and JP in People Magazine. Oh yeah, and organ music is playing of course.
Mark Fleiss must think he’s totally hilarious – and did he pay The Mask to fly out for this 5 second cameo???
I have been waiting for this day since the moment Jimmy Kimmel announced that Ashley Hebert would be our next Bachelorette. It’s basically like Christmas morning: I barely slept last night, replaying ABC’s skanky preview footage in my head over and over and thinking of all the possibilities ahead of us.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m ready to erase the last 8 weeks from my memory and start over with our favorite twisted stepchild of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, Bachelor Pad!
So just based on previews alone, here are a few of the things I’m MOST excited about in this season:
Jake and Vienna. Duh. Oh yeah, and Kasey.
Figuring out why Gia is back
Ella. I can barely remember this girl from Jake’s season, but from what I’ve seen in the previews she is a DRAMA. SHOW.
Laughing at the fact that they all have to sleep on bunk beds, and watching them awkwardly(and audibly) hook up in the bunk beds while everyone else is in the same room.
Catching up with a few of my all-time favorite guys: Kirk, MStag, and Ames
Shamelessly skanky “challenges”……think last year’s kissing contest, the “who do you think has fake boobs” game, etc.
The addition of the Fantasy Suite option after each date — can we make the point of this show any more obvious?? Sleep your way to the top.
Remember when no one really wanted to hook up with Gwen last time because she was really old and awkward? Well, Melissa is the new Gwen.
Figuring out if “Erica Rose” (why do you have 2 names?) ever takes that damn tiara off
And that’s just the beginning.
If you haven’t joined our fantasy league yet, click HERE to submit your guesses for tonight’s premiere! Be prepared for some fun bonus questions along the way too.
And finally, since a lot of you are probably wondering how exactly does this show work, we thought we’d quickly review the rules of the game so that everyone is prepared for tonight:
OFFICIAL BACHELOR PAD RULES (borrowed from another site):
First of all, the show starts on Monday, August 9; it will run for six episodes. There will be 11 girls and 8 guys. The female and male contestants will sleep in bunk beds in the same living area. They will compete in different challenges (one challenge per week); the finalist will take home $250,000. It appears that the girls will compete against girls and the guys – against guys.
The winner of each challenge (one guy and one girl) will receive immunity, which means that they will be safe from the next night’s elimination. They will also have a chance to go on a group date with 3 girls or 3 guys of their choice (respectively) and grant immunity (give the rose) to one of the dates. At this point, they can hook up with the recipient of the rose and continue on with their date; they can also choose to spend the night at the fantasy suite.
The weekly eliminations will be done in the following manner: The guys will get together to vote out a girl and the girls will vote out a guy. The guys will place a headshot of the girl they want to be eliminated into a ballot box, and the girls will do the same with a guy’s headshot. Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft will preside over the elimination ceremonies; they will be the ones to reveal who gets sent home.
When the contestants get down to 4 guys and 7 girls, each of the guys will be told to save one girl of their choice. That’s when 4 competing couples are established; the other 3 girls will be sent home. The remaining couples begin competing against each other.
As you probably know, Ashley chose JP to be her fiance this week on the season finale of The Bachelorette. Of course there was a dramatic journey along the way – we got to see Ashley’s sister nearly destroy their relationship when she quickly judged JP, and of course Ben F. was on top of his game and almost convinced Ashley he was the one.
While I’m usually the skeptical one, I will say I think JP is a great choice and I hope they will be very happy together. As much as I bag on Ashley on this blog, I do think she is a very sweet girl and deserves to be happy. I know, I know…
Congratulations to Amber H. who is this season’s Fantasy Bachelorette League winner!
Here is the final leaderboard:
1. Amber H. – 15 pts
2. Lily P/V – 14 pts
3. Ethan S. – 13 pts
Tied for 3rd. Lizzy P. – 13 pts
5. Heather L. – 11 pts
Special shout-out to Kristin V. and Chris K. for getting the bonus 5 points for guessing at the beginning of the season that JP would be the winner. But it just wasn’t enough to bump them up to the top 5.
We will be working on some league rules for Bachelor Pad that starts on Monday. Stay tuned!
Mary watches for true love.
Danielle watches for the trainwreck.
Either way, if you love The Bachelor, this blog is for you.
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About Mary & Danielle
Mary
Mary works in digital advertising and over the years has called Kansas, Notre Dame, and now Chicago home. She is an original fan of The Bachelor(ette) franchise from season 1 in 2002, and loves spreading the love (and hate) via ATR. Her favorite season to date is still Trista and Ryan's.
Danielle is a producer from 9-5 (no, not the movie kind; more like a project manager). She grew up in Kansas with Mary, and now lives in Los Angeles. When she's not writing about The Bachelor(ette), she can be found chowing down in Los Angeles at BudgetFoodie.com.
