Episode 7 begins and we find out that the group is traveling to Taiwan this week. Ashley feels like she has a “fresh start” now that he-who-must-not-be-named (shout out to HP7) is out of the picture, and then does a quick little speech of the top 6 guys to remind us why she likes them. We also get a quick look at another cartoon map with some semi-racist Asian video game music in the background.
Meanwhile, the guys are en route to Taiwan, and ABC has again given them flip cams to record their journey. Lucas is pretty amazed that they’ve been to “3 countries in 3 days” – because he’s never left Texas before. JP is winking, Ryan is bouncing, and Ames is looking reflectant as always. I wish I could get 1 day inside Ames’ head.
Everyone arrives at this amazing beautiful adorable romantic awesome amazing place (Ashley’s words) and are greeted by Chris Harrison in a crisp denim shirt. He gives a quick shout out to the fact that this year is the 100th anniversary celebration of Taiwan (you’re welcome Taiwan tourism bureau), and then gives the ground rules for this episode:
- 3 one on one dates
- 1 group date
- No roses on one on one dates
- 2 people going home
- Next up: hometowns (obviously a BIG deal)
JP comes on screen in his typical outfit of pajamas and expresses some surprising insecurity to us. ABC has put some scary music on behind him to exaggerate his emotions as well. Definitely a new side of JP – but this insecurity makes him an even better fit for Ashley.
Date #1: Constantine
“Let your love light shine.”
Constantine and Ashley are going to be riding a train today to the little village of Ping-Shi which Ashley calls “adorable”. Why is Ames not on this date? We could’ve gotten a much better description of this village, complete with a couple of historical footnotes and built-in translator.
Ashley is also wearing her typical date outfit of jeggings, platform heels, and some sort of barely-there shirt. The theme this time around is backless.
The two of them get off the train and are greeted by a native of the village, who has set up a lantern for them to paint today. At first we think no problem, Constantine is a natural painter, but then we realize that was his Groban twin Ben F and they’re BOTH still on this show.
So after a couple hours of doodling all over the lantern (swirls, hearts, happy faces) the lantern is complete! And then a dog comes up, hikes a leg, and pees all over it. Classic. ABC, hire that dog.
Later that night, Ashley and Constantine settle down for a nice dinner, and Constantine reminds her that she needs to fit into his life too: +10 points for Constantine. Finally, someone with common sense on this show.
Ashley is freaking out a little because her relationship with Constantine is moving the slowest of all — even slower than Ames who is gay. I developed a lot of respect for Constantine during this conversation, because he put his foot down and didn’t drop the L bomb too soon for a rose (i.e. Chantal).
After dinner, they release their love lantern into the sky, and ironically at that very same moment 15,000 other Asian couples also release theirs, as suddenly the sky is filled with lanterns. Ashley calls this “one of the most romantic moments of my life.” I think she’s said this about 5 times this season.
With that, the date is over and we are pretty confident we’re going to meet Constantine’s big Greek family.
Date #2: Ben F.
“Let’s spend a Gorges day together in Taiwan.”
The ABC producers decide to play a joke on Ashley by putting Constantine and Ben F on back-to-back dates, just to confuse her when the rose ceremony comes along.
Today Ashley and Ben F will be riding a moped throughout the national park. Ashley puts on her pink helmet, jumps on the back of the moped, and grabs onto Ben F squealing. She tells us she felt like he was “The Man” and she’s liked that. Typical sexist Bachelor style.
Ben F is looking great in a v-neck American Apparel shirt and jeans, with beanie-less tousled hair. The two of them stand on a bridge that looks like it might collapse and make out. I’m ignoring them and checking out the pretty amazing scenery.
Later that day, Ashley and Ben F drive up on the moped to their dinner location. They break out some wine first, and Ashley tells Ben that this selection tastes just like the wine he gave her on the first night. Ben F almost spits out his drink as he digests the absurd comparison that Ashley is making here, but graciously just chuckles in response. Not even a “ruh-roh”.
The rest of the date goes well and Ben F tells us secretly that he is falling in love with Ashley, but doesn’t want to say it to her yet.
Ashley and Ben F even stay OVERNIGHT together, which makes JP insanely jealous. Sidenote: Is that even allowed at this point in the game? I thought they weren’t allowed to have sleepovers yet?? Regardless, we’re liking what it’s doing to JP.
Date #3: Group Date (Lucas, JP, Ames)
“I’m Preparing You for the Big Day.”
How desperate is this girl to get married??
When I found out that Ashley would be forcing bachelors to go through fake wedding activities again, I knew this was going to be another fantastic group date. Not only is she forcing guys to go through fake weddings, but she picked the exact thing they’d like the least –the photo shoots. Also, looking “cute” in wedding photos is a crucial element of marriage, so Ashley is glad she’s doing this background work now.
Each guy is assigned a general theme and costume:
- Lucas: Traditional Asian/old Asian woman/long dress/stiff poses (i.e. worst assignment ever)
- Ames: Flashy, colorful tuxedo/”offspring between an ostrich and Elton John”/bedazzled accents/drag queen
- JP: Traditional wedding tuxedo, American-style
Yes, JP stopped whining about his insecurities the moment he realized that the other guys would look like clowns next to his super-stud, James Bond get up. This coupled with the scenic Utah background made JP’s photos by far the best in the end.
Overall, this date was incredibly awkward and reminded me of that fateful Sports Illustrated photo shoot date last season, in which everyone got mad in the end and the biggest pouter ended up getting the rose. In this case, that was JP, as he walked out beaming with the only pre-ceremony rose of this episode in hand.
Oh well – we all knew he was getting one regardless. At least this made the rose ceremony more suspenseful for us.
But before I leave this group date, let me touch upon 2 of my favorite parts of this episode: Ames’ grade school picture (where did this come from? Did he just have a collection of young photos in his luggage? Did his mom mail it up?) and his red chinos. Only Ames could pull those off.
Date #4: Ryan
“Let’s Get a Taste of Taipei”
So Ryan finalllllly gets his 1-on-1 and the energy levels inside of him are so high we can feel it across our tv screens. He is 100% solar powered and totally wound up from not having any alone time with Ashley yet. He uses the word “yearning” to emphasize this excitement.
Ashley and Ryan run to each other across a very large patio. It is then that we see Backless Shirt #2 of this episode – and this one is definitely worse than the first. It was literally like Ashley’s stole a kid’s costume cap, tied it around her neck and twisted it around so the open part was in the back. The wind is also blowing hard and we’re worried that the cape going to fly open and reveal the fact that Ashley is definitely not wearing a bra with that. Here’s a screenshot to illustrate:
So Ashley and Ryan wander into a nearby temple where locals are praying and meditating. How is this a date???? Ryan says that seeing this is “romantic and intimate” but I’m not understanding why. Riding a moped to a hidden waterfall and making out is romantic – not this.
They then drop some sort of spooky rock that is supposed to determine whether or not they’re supposed to be together. The rock officially said YES!!!!!!!! (as Ryan hoped), but Ashley was probably hoping it would say no so she could cut him right there based on a rock’s opinion.
So then they sit down to talk and things get intense. ABC’s creepy music begins. Ashley starts to talk to Ryan about his “green lifestyle” and he chooses his own fate by going straight to the topic of water heaters of all things. While he’s reciting his research thesis and throwing out thoughts about showering and big tanks and natural gas, Ashley is clearly not listening. She’s instead talking to us about how much she doesn’t see herself with this loon and how he is failing in her sex appeal category.
So at that point Ashley has made up her mind – Ryan is not her future husband. She cuts him off and immediately tells him that she’s “just not feeling it” and “the physical passion is not there”. Ryan is totally caught off guard and gets dangerously emotional.
He gives us a sad, voice-cracking speech about wanting to find someone so bad, and get married, and then……… what seems like 5 seconds later he is wandering the streets and alleys of Taipei at night alone. At this point I had so many questions:
- How did he get here?
- How did it get dark in 5 minutes?
- Why is he hailing a cab and how does he know where to send it?
- Where is the dragonboat of rejection or the windowless van?
Somehow I think this may not be the last we see of Ryan.
And then, we’re at the rose ceremony.
Rose Ceremony
The Lin Family Mansion (um, who are the Lin’s?)
So Chris Harrison informs Ashley that her allotted time is running short – they need to fast forward to Emily’s part because she’s the next Bachelorette and that season is more important that your trainwreck Asian love story. He tells her to make up her mind without the cocktail party, and she’s cool with this because she’s “100% confident” in her decision this week.
And with that, the dramatic music begins. We hear some tribal dumbs, a harp, an asian flute, and some snakes hissing. The scene is set.
Roses are handed out to:
- Constantine
- Ben F
- Ames (Go Ames! – Hoping we can learn more about this perplexing human in his hometown)
- JP – already had his rose
All the Bachelors are thinking “ouch…Ames over Lucas?” Ashley walks Lucas out and seems really shook up after sending him off. She definitely wishes she were home in her bed with her purple comforter.
Emily’s Interview
We’re introduced to this final segment by Chris Harrison, who has rushed back to LA, thrown on his best suit, and come before the mansion’s fountain to give us an update on Brad and Emily and why ABC has hijacked this episode to give her more attention.
Emily pulls up in a limo and steps out to see Chris on the patio (foreshading for an upcoming Bachelorette premiere?) She’s looking cute, as always but………something was off. New veneers? Maybe some botox? I noticed that only her mouth moved as she spoke, which was super distracting.
So then we go into a pretty emotional interview, in which Emily cries and defends Brad and doesn’t really answer the questions that Chris Harrison is asking her. The info we’re getting out of this interview is nothing we haven’t ALREADY read in the 15 magazine covers Brad and Emily have had in the last month.
We ended the interview feeling more confused than when we started, and Chris Harrison is beaming as if he’s ready to divulge the secret that ABC is paying Emily 5 trillion dollars to be the next Bachelorette. They’re even thinking of cancelling Bachelor Pad 2 and The Bachelor to skip straight to Emily’s season.
Watch out Chris – that’s Jimmy Kimmel’s secret to tell, not yours.
Looking forward to the hometown dates – traditionally one of my favorite episodes of every season! Stay tuned for more recaps on AcceptThisRose.com.
