Episode 4 begins in the bathroom of The Bachelor Mansion, with Michelle looking at herself in the mirror. No one is surprised.
We quickly become aware by the serious music and in-your-face close up shots that she has a black eye, which coincidentally perfectly matches her shirt.
We’re hoping that Carlos Boozer’s wife is responsible for this, but unfortunately, the only answer we get from Michelle is an unsatisfactory “maybe it’s just stress.”
You have a black eye, not a zit, Michelle.
Michelle also says that the black eye happened mysteriously in her sleep and all the other girls are looking at her, nodding, and thinking she’s a complete moron.
“Today, I woke up with a black eye. So I think I deserve a 1 on 1 date with Brad. I will have Brad kiss my eye, and it will make it feel better.”
We now believe that Michelle will do just about anything to get 1 on 1 time with Bachelor Brad.
Chris Harrison enters the mansion and stands on his condescending ledge in the living room to speak to the ladies. He has traded in his wrinkle-free designer clothes today for an untucked plaid shirt and boyfriend sweater, and we’re disappointed in this unusual display of sloppiness.
First date goes to: Chantal the Man
Good – I didn’t think I could last 1 more episode of her insecure, emotional sessions with Brad on the patio. I know a lot of you out there like Chantal, but I can’t stand her bipolar personality.
Brad enters the mansion to pick up ’Shan-towel’ (as he calls her). The girls are all still in their pajamas and haven’t even put their contacts in yet, as if they’re not competing for America’s Most Eligible Man here.
Brad acknowledges Michelle’s black eye but is just as confused as everyone else and nervously laughs it off. Michelle silently dares him not to give her a 1 on 1 date now.
The sounds of an approaching helicopter fill the living room and all bachelorettes rush outside, still barefoot and in their pajamas. They are clapping and cheering like this has NEVER happened before on The Bachelor. True to form, Chantal the Man is wearing a butch blue tshirt and leather jacket, and is so excited that she chest bumps Brad before struting over to get in the pilot-less aircraft. The 2 of them fly away to Catalina Island for their date, and in the distance you can hear the faint sounds of On The Wings Of Love.
Does ABC purposefully ask each Bachelor applicant what her biggest fear is, and then plan her 1 on 1 date around this very thing? This seems to be the case yet again with Chantal, as she is deathly afraid of the ocean, and Brad has planned a special date for her today on the floor of the ocean. Excellent.
Chantal and Brad enter the water hand-in-hand, in their NASA suits with built-in microphones:
and we sit through 15 minutes of heavy breathing and murky water viewing. It’s a truly terrifying experience for Chantal as she faces all the plants and goldfish under there, with the surface of the water maybe 5 feet above her head the entire time.
Being the gentleman that he is, Brad bumps his space helmet into Chantal’s and calls it a kiss, and Chantal is so high on fear and adrenaline that she tells us she could definitely see herself as Chantal Pickelsimer Womack.
After this, Brad and Chantal settle in for an intimate evening in a sexy beach tent, complete with candles, curtains, and a king sized bed, all graciously provided by Pier 1.
A Springtime Rain CD from Target’s CD kiosk is playing in the background to set the mood.
Chantal says a stream of annoying things to Brad in the sexy tent, like “please ask me about my divorce” and “sorry that ABC paid me to slap you in Episode 1.” She even switches back to a woman for a few seconds and says “I totally want to get married again. I want a family, I want kids, I want the right person.” When Brad finally has had enough of Chantal’s talking, he cuts her off by saying “will you please stop talking and just kiss me.”
Go Brad! And thanks for putting our ears to rest too.
The camera zooms out and focuses on a candle, and from this point we can only hear gross sounds coming out of the sexy tent.
Group Date Day: “Let’s Put our Love on the Line”
Today Brad is taking a group of ladies to see Dr. Drew, radio therapist and expert on all things love.
The girls board the limo with nervous anticipation and drink a potent breakfast of Mimosas to get the honesty juices flowing.
When they arrive at the studio, the girls enter single file to greet Brad. They are led by Ashley H., who immediately mauls him like the hyper 5 year old that she is.
After a quick solo interview with Brad, Dr. Drew summons all the girls into the room and without any intro conversation at all begins talking about the heavy topic of cheating. Brad insists that he has never cheated on anyone before (again, debatable based on the fact that he’s been The Bachelor twice), and Dr. Drew seizes the convenient opportunity at hand by asking the girls to raise their hands if they’ve cheated before.
One hand goes up.
Was anyone else NOT surprised by this? The dark, suspicious-looking Bartender is the cheater?
The other girls look around big-eyed, judging, and thinking “thank God I’m a liar.” Brad thanks Stacey for her honesty, saying “that’s what this experience is all about.”
Translation: You’re going home.
The rest of the show is pretty boring. Britt (whose hair seems to grow another foot each episode) does step up at one point and tell Brad in her soft, delicate voice that she wishes she could get to know him better without feeling so shy all the time.
This alone probably won her a 1 on 1 date in Episode 5.
Also, it was at this point that I finally realized who Britt reminds me of:
Anyone else get the Heather Morris vibe here?
After the show, emotions and tension are high – meaning, this date is perfectly primed for an eventful pool party ending. A keg and a patio stocked with private couches are added for reinforcement.
All bachelorettes get in the hot tub with Brad. Everyone is in their best string bikini, except for Red, who is wearing….. a denim jacket and scarf????
Within 5 minutes, Brad begins his rotation of make out sessions. Back in the hot tub, Ashley H. is college party drunk and cannot handle the lack of attention any longer. An ABC producer quietly leads her to the dark pebble path, tells her “shhhhhh” and pushes her up the hill toward the couch. She gets to the top just as Britt is once again plunging her tongue into the depths of Brad’s throat.
I’m convinced by now that this is the only way these 2 know how to communicate. Britt may be shy with words, but apparently not with her tongue.
Brad sits down once again with Ashley H. and listens to her monotonous comments about being the victim on this show and her need for ‘retraction.’ Unfortunately, Brad doesn’t know what that word means. She also drops the F bomb, which is classy.
Being the softhearted fool that he is, Bachelor Brad decides to give Ashley H. the date rose to prove his love to her. As this transpires, however, an exciting turn in events happens. Ashley H. opens her snarky mouth one last time with some mumbled comment about roses, and Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt instead.
Britt’s ranking in the house rises once again, and so does Ashley’s frustration.
Individual Date #2: MicHELLe
The next day, Ashley H. is nursing off her hangover when Brad arrives for Michelle’s date. Because it’s in his script, Brad asks to steal Ashley away for a minute to make up on the patio and this infuriates Michelle.
We find out that Michelle’s date today will be rappelling off a skyscraper in downtown LA, which is a perfect idea because Michelle is afraid of heights – even though she had no problem in a helicopter on the way over.
This date is totally scammed from previous seasons, too – does anyone remember Jake and Vienna’s bungee jumping? Or Ali and Roberto’s tight wire walking?
Wait, what ended up happening with both of these people?
I have a bad feeling about this.
My favorite part of the whole rappelling session was the point where Brad and Michelle pause in their descent and begin making out like 2 dangling window washers on the side of the building. ABC had it timed perfectly so that a volunteer photographer was waiting just inside that very window of the skyscraper.
With the sun setting behind them, the whole scenario was perfect and they are now officially in love.
They get to the bottom of the building, where an empty pool is waiting for them. Brad can’t resist his natural tendencies and AGAIN jumps in the pool fully clothed like a total frat tool. I hope this continues every episode because it gets better every time.
Later that night, Brad tries yet again to bring up Michelle’s daughter Brielle, and she changes the subject quickly, but not before saying that someday she’d like for him to meet her. We’re hoping this happens soon, because exhaustive Googling is not turning up anything and we’d like to meet her too.
Somehow this date ends up going really well in Brad’s mind and he gives her the rose without hesitation. We are frustrated and starting to get a little scared that this is going to be another Vienna situation.
“There was no question that Michelle was getting that rose. I can see my life with Michelle working out very well. Day to day life. Me taking care of her daughter Brielle…hopefully even more kids….I see this happening, I do.”
Therapy
To fill another 15 minute segment, Dr. Jaime Green again returns for another glass house therapy session with Brad.
Out of all the disturbing issues right now on the show, Brad’s main concern today is centered on kissing the bachelorettes. He feels pressure to make out with each one but isn’t sure if that makes him a man slut or not.
Dr. Green tells him to that there is absolutely nothing wrong with foregoing conversations for some action, especially while he still has tons of women to do it with at once. He is insanely jealous of Brad.
I can’t wait to hear his advice during Fantasy Suite season.
This conversation gets a bit awkward and at one point I’m feeling like we’re listening to a 16 year old talk to his father about girls for the first time. I’m sure there actually weren’t any problems in this arena for Brad, though, since he of course was voted Mr. Handsome in his high school, twice.
Quick question: If your identical twin gets voted Mr. Handsome in high school, what does that make you? I wonder what Chad Pickelsimer felt about that.
Also, where is Chad, and why hasn’t he made an appearance on this season yet?
Rose Ceremony
When the cocktail party arrives, those bachelorettes who have had a 1 on 1 date seem to be the biggest wrecks because ‘everything changes’ once you’ve been through that experience. To add to their nerves, Brad chooses to focus all of his socializing energy on Emily, for whom he has prepared a private picnic on the hard, cold pavement out front.
This super-boyfriend move throws all the girls into fits of jealousy, and surprise – Chantal even starts bawling. Can she please go back to the Chantal that slaps people – instead of crying every episode?
Out front, Brad is sitting Indian style and stuttering through his words to Emily. She is listening politely, covering up her goods with a blanket because her 6-inch dress isn’t quite doing the job. For once, Brad’s 1 on 1 time is not interrupted – because who’s going to interrupt that?
When he goes back inside, Brad talks quickly to a few more bachelorettes – in particular Meghan, who think she’s his sister and talks to him in this way every time they’re together. Meghan gives him some nurturing advice and then voices some of her own concerns over being here.
Brad tells her that she shouldn’t worry, their time here together is just beginning, and she definitely has the chance to find her soul mate on this journey.
5 minutes later, Meghan is eliminated in the rose ceremony. Hilarious.
I don’t blame him though, the only think attractive about Meghan was her cute wardrobe, and guys don’t look at that.
What I’d really like to focus on , however, was Meghan’s exit. Rushing up to Brad, she mumbled a quick, sarcastic-looking goodbye and ran like a caveman out of the mansion, arms swinging and back hunched through the front garden. I loved it so much I tried to screenshot every second:
LOL. Who runs like that?
Brad also sends Stacey the cheater and Big Red home – no surprises there.
Big Red must have been in pageants because she gave the most eloquent, optimistic “I just got dumped” speech I have ever heard, right up there with Tenley’s, and even forced a huge smile and said her dad would be proud.
Lisa from Kansas sticks around despite Brad having no idea who she is and having to ask Chris what her name was before giving her the rose. But she still is cute.
It’s really too bad Michelle’s eye, Britt’s tongue, and Alli’s boobs keep overshadowing Lisa in the house.
The episode ends with some steamy bikini dancing in the hot tub and previews for next week. We find out that ABC pulls the unbelievable, coldhearted move of creating a racecar track date just to torture Emily, and we also find out that they swiped yet another one of Ali’s dates by putting one of the girls and Brad into a Vegas show. Nice, Mark Fleiss.
I’m sure it will all be Amazing.
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What do you think? Do any of the other girls stand a chance against Emily?
